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EURO-ENGLISH
 
 The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby 
 English will be the official language of the European Union 
 rather than German, which was the other possibility.
 
 As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded that
 English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 
 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as  "Euro-English".
 
 In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'.  Sertainly, this 
 will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be 
 dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and 
 keyboards kan have one less letter.
 
 There will be growing publik  enthusiasm in the sekond year when 
 the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make
 words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.
 
 In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be 
 expekted to reach the  stage where more komplikated changes are 
 possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which 
 have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that 
 the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it 
 should go away.
 
 By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th'
 with 'z' and 'w' with  'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' 
 be dropd from vords  kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors 
 be aplid to oza kombinations of letas.
 
 After ziz fifz yer ve vil have a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
 mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu anderstand ech 
 oza. Ze drem of an united urop vil finali kum tru!

ENGLISH HARD TO READ?  NEVER ! 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was 
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Millennium Vocabulary

 The latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the Y2K office
 environment:

  * Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed
 intimate relationship, as in "This is , my ... um ... friend."

 * Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

 * Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators
 running.

 * Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
 potato.

* Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
 same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
 subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot
 what city we were in.

 * Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
 that you've just made a BIG mistake.

 * Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of
 an electronic device to get it to work again.
 

* Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
 above the rank and file.  Decisions that fall from the adminisphere
 are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they
 were designed to solve.

 * Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived
 from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip
 character. "I've been dilberted again.  The old man revised the specs
 for the fourth time this week."

 * Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of
 planning to leave the company or department soon.

 * 404 - Someone who's clueless.  From the World Wide Web error
 message  "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could
 not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

* Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
 craps over  everything and then leaves.

 * Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming
 upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

 * Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the
 employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

 * CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe
 ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
  earshot is a serious  CLM.

*