---
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became 
increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to 
be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly 
whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to
pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his 
wife when he choked, "I . . . I . . .  didn't pinch that girl!"
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
 

---
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested
that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy dear," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around, and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper...
I meant the next baby!"

---
This guy said his son's teacher had told his son that his
homework was unsatisfactory and he was to do it again.  The
kid said to the teacher, "That sucks!!!" 
Upon hearing this reply, the teacher called the kid's mother 
and told him that he was going to have her son do his 
homework over, and, he was giving him some additional work 
because the kid used unacceptable language. 
Whereas the mother replied, "Boy, that sucks, what did he 
say?" 
---
The area had been hit with an epidemic of robberies 
perpetrated by the notorious gentleman burglar.  One night 
Sally woke and shook Jim.  "Jim, there's a burglar in the 
house," she said. 
"There is not," He said sleepily.  "Go back to sleep, stupid." 
Just then a man sprang from inside a closet.  "There is too,"
he declared. "Now apologize to the lady." 

---
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both 
could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising 
along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but 
they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat 
thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we 
just went through a red light,"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection 
and the light was red again and again they went right 
through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was 
almost sure that the light had been red but was really 
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous 
and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the
next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red and they went right through and she turned to the other 
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

---
Assuransieagent: Wil u al u kantoormeubels verseker teen diefstal? 
Bestuurder:  Inderdaad.  Alle meubels, behalwe die 
muurhorlosie.  Dit  kan tog nie ongemerk verdwyn nie, want almal sit 
heeltyd daarna te kyk.

---
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on  the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where  are we?" The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and  said,  "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

---
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.  The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:  "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time.  The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly!"

---
During class, the skydiving instructor would always take the
time to answer any of the stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our shute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open,
how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered -
"The rest of your life."
---

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady
and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the
posters showing the glamorous destinations around the
world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected
couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of
generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am
sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I
won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two
flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as
can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.
"I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.  Who
was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
*
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them,
"If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine
for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. 
"You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor.
You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about
having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code
word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -
"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
*
Hiram lay breathing his last. He rose on one elbow and told 
the bedside gathering his last wishes, then began recounting 
financial matters. "Don't forget Samuel owes me $7,000."
His wife, Miriam, said, "What a mind the man has, clear as a
bell to the very end."
"And I owe my partner Sid $210,000 for..."
At that point, his wife cut in, "Pay no attention to the poor
man's ravings, he's obviously out of his head."
*
A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," said the mother.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead
with his index finger. "Hurts doesn't it!?!"
*
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was
the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll
give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin,
since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses,
but business is business!"
*
A young woman was having a physical examination and was 
very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she 
removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so 
ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel 
ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and
said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
*
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were 
stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you 
think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three 
people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
*
During class, the skydiving instructor would always take the
time to answer any of the stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our shute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open,
how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered -
"The rest of your life."
*
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.  The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:  "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time.  The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly!"
*
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on  the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where  are we?" The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and  said,  "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
*
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both 
could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising 
along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but 
they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we
just went through a red light,"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection
and the light was red again and again they went right 
through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was 
almost sure that the light had been red but was really 
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous 
and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the
next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely 
red and they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
*
The area had been hit with an epidemic of robberies 
perpetrated by the notorious gentleman burglar.  One night 
Sally woke and shook Jim.  "Jim, there's a burglar in the
house," she said. 
"There is not," He said sleepily.  "Go back to sleep, stupid." 
Just then a man sprang from inside a closet.  "There is too," 
he declared. "Now apologize to the lady."
*
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. 
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. 
"Counting your ribs," said Eve. 
*
A guy's on the electric chair.
The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups.
The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"
The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) something to
scare me?"
*
One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where 
no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do
better elsewhere.
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After 
another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad 
temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and 
said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy
named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"
*
A teenager had just received his brand new driver's license.  The 
family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is
going to take them for a ride for the first time.  Dad immediately 
heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver. 
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all 
those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how 
to drive," says the beaming boy to his dad. 
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of 
your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
*
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and 
Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first
pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  "If Jesus
were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake. I can wait.' "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
*
After trying a new shampoo for the first time. A guy fired off an 
enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.  Several weeks 
later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of 
the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the
company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items. 
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling. 
"Next time," he replied.  "I'm writing to General Motors!
*
A man had been drinking at a pub all night.
At closing time he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. 
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd
crawl outside.  There he stood up but fell flat on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. 
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. 
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
He fell again, but luckily right into bed and was
sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 
He was awakened the next morning by his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" 
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. 
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
*
Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the
key, which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why 
don't we get a coat hanger to open it." 
"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in." 
So Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, 
then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?" 
"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."
"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to
rain, and the sun roof is open!"
*
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his 
lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW 
NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother 
and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
*
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a 
group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today,
gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, 
the good. Private Brabant will be setting the pace on our
morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brabant was 
overweight and terribly slow. 
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the 
bad news. Private Brabant will be driving a truck."
*
The language of diplomacy. 

A well known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a
stately country home. When he was asked by a friend 
whether or not he'd had a good time, he said, 
"If the soup had been as warm as the wine, the wine as old as 
the chicken, the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and 
the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have 
been perfect."
*
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone 
operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a
man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up 
nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I 
have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this
time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
*
A guy goes into a pub and goes up to the barmaid and says
"Can I have a laft of hager and a bint of pitter?!"
Responds the barmaid "Don't you mean half a lager and a pint
of bitter" 
"You're right" says the guy, 
"I keep doing that just this morning I went into the kitchen, and I
thought I said: 'Morning darling! Can I have some toast and
coffee!?'"
"And what did you say?" asked the barmaid
"I hate you, you fat cow you ruined my life!"
*
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. 
Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes
another one!"
* 
The Garda watched Mulligan desperately trying to open his front door 
as he swayed from side to side.
"Here, Mulligan," he said, "can I help you with that key?"
"Nosh at all, Guard. I can manage the key if you -hic- could hold the 
house steady." 
*
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years 
on a deserted island. Then one morning he was 
thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel 
pulling out toward him. 
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge
handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, 
"The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still
want to be rescued."
*
"Uh Oh!" said an ardent young man reading a letter.
His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?"
"Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man. "It's from 
someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill me."
"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife."
"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous."
*
A foursome of very senior golfers hit the course with 
waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer,"
said one of the foursome. 
"And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
another of the old men complained. 
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too,"
said the third senior. 
After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest
of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, 
"Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"
*
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.  He 
handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. 
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back
in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached 
a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This
student got back his test and $64 change.
*
Judi and Gayle were having a rare heart to heart talk.  "What
do you consider your worst vice," Judi asked.
"I don't like to admit it," Gayle said, "but my worst vice is
vanity.  Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my
face."
"I wouldn't worry about it," said Judi.  "That's not vanity.  That's
imagination."
*
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an
embarrassed woman said after a church service,
"when my husband walked out during your sermon." 
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. 
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. 
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep
ever since he was a child."
*
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at 
home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the 
mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all
around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger
mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a
broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the 
back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various
items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that 
something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, 
reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He 
looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when 
you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" 
"Yes, was his reply." 
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
*
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director 
to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local 
cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher 
started early but quickly got himself lost, making several 
wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, 
and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the
workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
*
"Uh Oh!" said an ardent young man reading a letter.
His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?"
"Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man. "It's from
someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill me."
"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife."
"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous."
*
A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his
parish wearing the tiniest of bikinis. A Nun walked over and 
said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that!"
The Priest replied, "Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be on 
a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet."
*
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon,
when  the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.
The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk
and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
 The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me
almost fifty years ago." 
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years?
Boy, you sure do have a good memory." 
"Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."
*
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total
loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood . . . but what about 
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
*
A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every 
night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous
monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack 
me."
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this 
problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between
twenty and thirty thousand dollars."
"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting
rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make 
friends with them."
*
During Marine Corps basic training, one private was being 
hassled by his drill instructor. 
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered recruit, 
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Corps, you'll just be
waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." 
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the 
Marines, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
*
A man went to the doctors. 
"Doctor, Doctor, I've got a problem" said the man.
"Yes, what is it?" asked the Doctor. 
"Every morning after I get up, I have a compulsion to sing Green
Green Grass of home Twice and sing Delilah twice every night
before I go to bed" said the man.
"You've got Tom Jones syndrome" said the Doctor. 
"Tom Jones syndrome?" said the man
"How common is that?" he asked.
The doctor replied "It's not unusual".

*
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, 
"Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
"Oh, no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"
*
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle 
sites.  "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the 
Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees.  Over 
there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks.  Down
about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a
thousand Union soldiers."
A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"
"Yes ma'am.  But not while I'm driving this bus."

*
A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every 
night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous 
monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack
me."
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this 
problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between
twenty and thirty thousand dollars."
"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting
rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make 
friends with them."

*

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,
multi-coloured hair that's green, purple and orange. 
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelery
and his earings are big, bright feathers. 
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old
man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man,
"What are you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do
anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I
was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in
Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you
were my son.''
*

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint
Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea 
the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk 
instantly appear.  Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane 
mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" 
he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks 
for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly 
stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim 
to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint 
Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso 
both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein
and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

*
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends 
when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great
relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications 
major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He 
communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

*

A little boy was afraid of the dark.  One night his mother told 
him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't
want to go out there.  It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.  "You don't have 
to be afraid of the dark," she explained.  "Jesus is out there.
He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are 
you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure.  He is everywhere, and he is always ready to 
help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went 
to the back door and cracked it a little.  Peering out into the
darkness, he called, "Jesus?  If you're out there, would you 
please hand me the broom?"

*

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this 
creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail
to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense 
committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.  With his lawyer's assistance he 
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

*

Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do
you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.
"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. 
Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper 
costume for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson.  "A lot of
good it does you to go to church."

*

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.  He
stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and 
then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory 
to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me
where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

*

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they 
intended to raise cattle.  Friends came to visit and asked if 
the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the 
Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-
W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it
the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." 
"But where are all your cattle?" 
"So far, none have survived the branding."

*

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna
hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something.
The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I'm a
6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. "What's more, the
guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 lb and he's a blond
weight lifter," he continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5"
and pushing 300 lb and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously,
Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy goes: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times."

*

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother 
after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His
grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday
morning. It had been snowing all night and
everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist 
painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him 
"What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week 
that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

*

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a 
result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother
after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the
kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, 
giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.
Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and
gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use,
Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

*

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal
had been photographed from four different angles.
The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across
the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an
arrest was made.
The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the
ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town:
"PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE
RESISTING ARREST."

*

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers
and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.
They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the
tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"
One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"
"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."

*

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, 
will you sleep with me tonight?" 
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't 
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." 
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The big sissy."

*

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a
car pulls over next to him. 
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a 
piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man
driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces 
of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. 
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. 
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all 
the candy you can eat." 
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he 
says to the driver. "You bought this Lada, Dad. You'll have 
to live with it!"
*

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit 
his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled
him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific 
struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when
he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.
He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a 
concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And 
somebody was standing in front of the 'S'!"

*
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might 
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went 
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind 
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a 
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark 
corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would 
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be 
ready Thursday," he said calmly.

*

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they 
could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. 
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that
they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he 
asked.
"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."

*

Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a 
neighbor's house. The little girl stood on her tiptoes and was 
just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted 
them at the front door.
"Good morning, children," she said. "What can I do for you?"
"We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my 
husband and I'm his wife. Can we come in?"
Thoroughly enchanted by the scene confronting her, the 
elderly lady replied, "By all means, do come in."
Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, 
which they graciously accepted.
When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little
girl remarked, "No thank you. We have to go now. My
husband just wet his pants."

*

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the 
city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for 
help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a 
semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been 
mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked
to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really 
needs help."

*

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. 
For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after 
the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated 
words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation, 
but deliver us some e-mail . . . "

*

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day
that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he
went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". 
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that
someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife
called, she wants her sign back!"

*

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an 
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she 
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.  So 
the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. 
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you 
done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 
years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come 
back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from 
the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

*

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. 
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on 
the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the 
lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where
are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and  said, 
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

*

A college professor asked his class a question. "If
Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000
miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from 
Chicago, how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when
called upon said "Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how 
did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 
22, and he's half nuts . . ."

*

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The 
old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. 
The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!
We had $100 when we broke in!" 

*

An artist asked a gallery owner at Knokke Zoute if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. 
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good 
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.  When 
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."

*

During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a 
prospective juror some questions.
"Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of
the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"
"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.
"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.
"Certainly not in this case."

*

In some US cities crime has odd effects. Take Washington DC 
for example, there, cabs are so expensive, it's cheaper to get 
mugged and wait for the ambulance.

*

One day this bloke was fed up of his life so he decided to
become a monk. He went to his nearest monastry and saw the
head monk and the head monk said it was fine with him but on
one condition he could say only 2 words each 7 years. 
7 years went by and he was called up 
Head Monk: "What do you want to say?"
Monk: "Bad food"
Head monk: "Right you may leave"
Another 7 years went by.
Head Monk: "Well"
Monk: "Cold Room"
Head Monk: "(sighs)you may leave"
Yet another 7 years went by
Head monk: "What this time?"
Monk: "I quit"
Head Monk: "Good, you've done nothing but complained since
the day you got here!"

*

A man walks up to the paypoint in his local supermarket to pay
for his groceries.
As she registers each item, the checkout girl names them
aloud: "Two pork pies..... three apples..... two bars of soap..... a
courgette..... two beetroot...and four cans of beer".
After she finishes, she leans forward, looks him in the eyes and
says: "You're single, aren't you?".
"Yes" he says, amazed "could you tell that from what I bought?".
"No" she replies "it's just that you're so goddam ugly"

*

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that
indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature 
bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind
the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage,
yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything 
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the 
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her 
finger at a particular passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here" and she
read in a loud voice:"'The three wise men came from afar...'"

*

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. 
He asked his mom, "Where did we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

*

An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a forest.
The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."
"I can't help it," the ugly man said.
"No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you could
do is stay at home."

*

There was a man walking alone along a beach.  He comes 
across a bottle with a cork in it.  The man picks up the bottle 
and pulls out the cork.  A loud roar follows and a genie
appears.  The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today
and I can only give you two wishes."
The man says "That's OK, two is enough."  "First, I would
like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the
number to your account."
Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to 
women."
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

*

A man who had been battling a mental disorder for years 
finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was 
thought he might be released. 
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution,
decided, however, to interview him first. 
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering 
doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life 
and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake.
"I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of
my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am 
released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I 
trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is 
something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a 
new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for
books on science for the general public. Or I might even write
a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can 
always continue to be a teakettle."

*

A Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of 
senior citizens and telling them about the country they were 
visiting. When he asked if they had any questions, one
person inquired, "What is the number one sport in this 
country?"
"Bullfighting," the guide replied.
The same person asked "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," replied the tour guide. "That's number two!"

*

One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near 
the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as 
usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to 
his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and 
laid near his wife.  The lights were off and he snuggled up 
behind her.  She didn't even turn around.
"What a terrible weather today honey," he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"

*

A man went to the doctors. 
"Doctor, Doctor, I,ve got a problem" said the man. 
"Yes, what is it?" asked the Doctor.
"Every morning after I get up, I have a compulsion to sing Green
Green Grass of home Twice and sing Delilah twice every night
 before I go to bed" said the man. 
"You've got Tom Jones syndrome" said the Doctor.
"Tom Jones syndrome?" said the man 
"How common is that?" he asked.
The doctor replied "It's not unusual".

*

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to
break up with her boyfriend.  She seemed awfully concerned
that he not be angry.
"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.
"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break 
his neck," she answered.

*

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An 
electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating 
that the electric company would like to run a power line 
through his pasture.
The Amish man said, "No, you can not."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field,
the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the 
pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish 
man hollered, "Show him your paper!"

*

Ira and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy
children.  They moved to America from Europe and were 
having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in.
Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords
objected to such a large family.
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Ira asked
Esther to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery,
while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning, they found a 
place that was just right.
The landlord asked the usual question:  "How many children 
do you have?"
Ira answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their 
dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!

*

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor 
peered over the fence.  Interested in what the cheeky-faced 
youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to 
there, Tim?" 
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, 
"and I've just buried him." 
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?" 
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your stupid cat."

*

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York
to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet
midway across the Atlantic. 
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe
that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is
a recording."

*

I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress
of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and
said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it.  Then
she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato 
causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

*

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

*

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho,"
so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they
were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a 
conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right 
over there."

*

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel
and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural 
history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who
died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. 
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. 
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

*

Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota.
It was  near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.
Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the 
general store to pick him up some tobacco.
She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their
tab.  So Lena walked across, got the tobacco and walked back. 
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.
He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't sure 
how tick de ice vas..."

*

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and 
upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and 
asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted 
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together and sent them back with a note saying:
"Regret cannot  remember which one is you -- please keep your 
photo and return the others.

*

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at
work, I had taken this temp to lunch in gratitude for an 
outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for
my return.  The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, 
"Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you.  I'm your 
husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned,
"OH?  Really?  WERE you???"

*

The obituary editor of a newspaper was not one to admit his
mistakes easily.  One day he got a phone call from an irate
subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been 
printed in the obituary column.
"Really?" replied the editor calmly. "And where are you 
calling from?"

*

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Redneck Woman: "Fo'."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you 
named your fourth child 'George'?"
Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'.

*

"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" 
the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't," the husband replied.  "I distinctly remember 
taking my shirt off."

*

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague 
and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message
from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. 
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to
send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I 
can't imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring
this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including
matches in the package, did he?"

*

Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them
on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "Yeah!"

*

London, November 15th, 2000
To the citizens of the United States of America:

     Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half
decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA
to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we 
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.
     Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a 
monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other 
territories.  To aid in the transition to a British Crown 
Dependency, please comply with the following acts:
1.  Look up "revoke" in a dictionary
2.  Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save the Queen"
3.  Start referring to "soccer" as football
4.  Declare war on Quebec and France
5.  Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
6.  Learn to play cricket
7.  Enjoy warm flat beer and British cuisine
8.  July 4th is no longer a public holiday
9.  All members of this British Crown Dependency will be 
required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe 
statutory tea breaks
10.  Driving on the left is now compulsory
   Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with 
you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due
(backdated to 1776).  Thank you for your cooperation and...
have a jolly nice day and incidentally, Thanksgiving is
not to be a legal holiday anymore.

*

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little 
boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms
really *really* hard." 
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like 
mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and 
said, "What the hell happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe
everything someone tells him."

*

Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get 
married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over
grits and gravy the other night.
"Bubba," Ma said, "you can't get married yet. Why, you're
the baby of the family."
"But Ma," Bubba protested,
"I had my 38th birthday jest last week."
"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed in. "But your Ma and me 
think you should put off getting married until after you 
graduate from high school."

*

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm
very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" 
asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a 
dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow!"

*

This guy wanted a parrot who talked.  He asked the pet store
manager if there was a bird who was already speaking.  The
manager directed the guy to a bird by the window.  "This bird
has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that
would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.  Next day, the guy
was back in the pet store to complain.  The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual.  Why not 
buy a few of the toys.  That should loosen him up."
The  man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up.  "Still not talking,
huh?" asked the manager.  "Well, perhaps a birdbath would 
do the trick."
But, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to
complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word.
The pet shop owner told him to buy a mirror and trick 
the bird into thinking he had company.
Two days later, the man was back in the store to tell
that the parrot was dead. 
"What  happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?"
asked the pet store owner.
"Yep.  Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter?
Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"

*

An exhausted looking man dragged himself into
the Doctor's office.
"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood.  They
bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging
through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream.  A
few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything.
Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good.  I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor,
shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still
up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one 
it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

*

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the
police.  "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your
car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The 
juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches 
masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the 
driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test 
they're giving now!"

*

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying 
a child."

*

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said.  "Fighting with your 
best friend is a terrible thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me!"  the boy said.  "So I threw one at him."
"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
"What good would that have done?  My aim is much better 
than yours."

*

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of
papers, yelling, "Read all about it.  Fifty people swindled! 
Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked 
the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's 
nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all
about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

*

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees
under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.
Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring
and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about
a block away, but the light's better here."

*

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and 
went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in 
the house. A little later she came out of her house and again 
went to the mail box and again opened it,
then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she 
came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions 
the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

*

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to 
fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. 
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men 
were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a
keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog
that's bringin' it!"

*

The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several 
government bills that had recently been passed, printed a 
scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE
LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS"'.
Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted 
tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally
gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS".

*

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened
to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his
doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to bed.
Tom slept very well, in fact, he woke up before the alarm went
off. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!" 
"That's all fine" said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

*

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. 
"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

*

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked
on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. 
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to
hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,
bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into 
it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the
door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot
in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would 
teach them a lesson, when one of them said:
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

*

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion
over who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara,"
exclaimed the Muslim.  "Suddenly, a fierce sandstorm
appeared out of nowhere.  I truly thought my end had come as 
I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and 
deeper under the sand.  But I didn't lose my faith in Allah.  I 
prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for ten miles all around me, 
the storm stopped and I was able to get back to my village.
The Christian chimed in.  "One day while I was fishing in a
little rowboat in the ocean, a giant storm came from nowhere. 
50 foot waves!  I thought my end had truly come.  I prayed and
prayed to God, and then, for ten miles around me, the storm 
ceased and I was able to row back to shore."
The Jew started.  "I was in the middle of New York City. 
Suddenly, a black bag on the ground appeared out of
nowhere.  I put my hand inside and found that it was full of 
cash.  I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday
and we're not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath.  But I 
didn't lose my faith.  I prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for 
ten miles around me, it was *Tuesday*!"

*

Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right 
lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.
So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to
come up with any viable solution, so they send out some
help-me type faxes.
A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax 
read: "As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you
requested our help," etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all 
how to do it."
The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized
country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before 
and we do not know how to handle it."
The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country 
that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and 
economic resuscitation.
"We have a great deal of experience in such transition 
processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and 
to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be 
done gradually.
"So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big 
steps.  The first year, it should be mandatory only for the 
trucks to ride on the right lane . . ."

*

After the fall of the first humans in Paradise,
Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.
One of the boys asked, "What's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate
us out of house and home."

*

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip,
but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his
hotel if there's any place to get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that
just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the
businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his 
room and orders a pizza.  Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy
shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing 
uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman,
"What the hell did you put on this pizza?"
The deliveryman bows deeply and says,
"We put on the pizza  what you ordered:  'pepper only'."

*

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large 
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here
in the supermarket.  Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife
appears out of nowhere."

*

A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is
upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he 
devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and 
checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant 
and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's 
eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called 
from across the restaurant. 
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. 
His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same 
remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver 
tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. 
The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, 
"Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

*

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the
bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, 
you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.  During 
the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-
in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

*

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. 
The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken 
and fresh fish. 
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says. 
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

*

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a 
soul was in the office except a big dog emptying
wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering
if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.  The dog
looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your 
boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out
I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"

*

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With 
considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a 
dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. 
You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

*

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the 
pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from 
the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?"  asked
the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when
he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and
really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said
the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

*

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana;
the next  morning the resulting floodwaters came up
about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her
neighbor,  Mrs.Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the 
house.  Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then 
float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from
the house, then back in.  Her curiosity got the best of her,
so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap
floating away from the house, then coming back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him 
he was going to cut the grass today come hell or high water!" 

*

At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the 
umpire. No matter what was happening  on the field, she kept
yelling,  "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour.
Another patron said, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."
The woman said, "He`s my husband and he came home last 
night with lipstick on his collar. Kill the umpire!!"

*

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both 
could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising 
along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but
they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat 
thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we 
just went through a red light,"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection 
and the light was red again and again they went right
through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was 
almost sure that the light had been red but was really 
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous 
and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the
next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely 
red and they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through 
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

*

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told 
her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he
doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway.  Between the two of
us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

*

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out 
the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was,
and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about 
the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some 
embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was 
taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"

*

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
 "Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"
                   "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out
                   that they're going to die."*

*

A man planned the perfect robbery. Months of preparation were
done and he successfully broke into the Louvre in Paris to steal
                   some classic works of art.
    As he tried to make his getaway, his Ford Transit van broke down,
                   allowing police to capture him with ease.
 When asked how he could mastermind such a perfect crime and
then make such a silly mistake with the getaway transport,
                   he replied
                  "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

*

One Stone Deserves Another

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street 
when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store 
window. "wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick 
through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather 
jacket in another shop window. "what I'd give to own that!"
she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another 
brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"For crissakes!  C'mon, darlin'," the skinhead moaned. "Do 
you think I'm made of bricks?!"
 

'Tit' for Tat

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who 
shared an office with several other doctors.  The waiting room
was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist desk.  The receptionist was
a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.  He gave
her his name.  In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist
said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO 
SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head
around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX
CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME
DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
 

F* U

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to 
appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly 
restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be 
heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood 
before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for 
the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query 
roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two
more words."
 

Always Prepared

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not 
too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days. 
Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom,
are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"
Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of
food when you called."
Cheap Labour

When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a
hard time grasping the concept of marriage.
But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual 
images would help, and explained the entire service to her. 
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she 
replied, "Oh.  I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for 
us, daddy?"

In The Doggie Bar

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog
 are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking
 female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can
 say liver and cheese in a sentence can be my friend."
 So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
 The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
 The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
 She says, "That's not creative."
 Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

*

The Children Of Israel

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher,
finished the day's lesson.  It was now time for the usual 
question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't 
figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the 
Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children
of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz 
always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt.  "So what's your
question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all
the grown-ups doin?"

*

Thorough Mechanic

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been
accidentally locked in it.  We went to the service department 
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's 
side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the 
door handle and discovered it was open.  "Hey," I announced to 
the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man.  "I already got that side."

*

Watergate Bugs

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug."  He looks behind the
drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!"  Under the
rug was a disc with four screws.  He gets his Swiss army 
knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the
window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds
"How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was
your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these 
questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you 
complained of the chandelier falling on them."

*

Computer Dating

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and 
registered his qualifications. 

He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company,
favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

*

Survival Is On The Cards

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in 
the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring 
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several
hands went up, and many important things were suggested 
such as food, matches, etc. 

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes
Timmy, what are the three most important things you would
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. 

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck
of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right 
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master 
impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is 
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on 
top of that black ten!"

*

Clergymen Never Tell A Lie!

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon 
a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a 
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he 
went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood 
stray.  We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of
us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever 
one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I
was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to 
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh.  "All right," he said, 
"give him the dog."

*

First-Aid Training Always Comes In Handy

"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress
as she walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street
and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the 
middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was 
broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood 
everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my 
training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from 
fainting!"

*

Things Are Not Always Black And White!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it 
simple.

The child  thought about this for a moment, then said, "So 
why's the groom wearing black?"

*