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TODAY's JOKE
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*
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, 
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five 
men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand 
fishes.'"
A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised 
his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick.  I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he 
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And 
they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two 
fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could 
you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
*
Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up 
and opens the door.  One of the blondes leans inside and asks 
the driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will 
it take ME?"
*
Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were
discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from
New York City said, "Well, I have discovered men are all
alike!"
Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped
the table. "Gal," she said, "men are all Ah like, too!"
*
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and
stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are
phony. 
He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use
the words liver and cheese in a sentence." 
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for
lunch."
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he
asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
*
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious 
womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car 
round," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the 
time he had re-started it, the girl had vanished.
"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an 
emergency."
"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
*
Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line
for the counter.
Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says,
"I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."
The librarian looks at her for a moment.  Then whispers
to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."
Judi nods.  Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large
fries, and a large Coke."
*
Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes 
up with the slogan,
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The second one tries to improve on that with,
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with,
"From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and 
almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,
"From the erection to the resurrection."
*
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and
sidles up to the bar and announces: 
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
*
From a cruise ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man 
on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes 
nuts."
*
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office
and asked them to disperse. "But why?, they asked, as they moved
off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer."
*
A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones
connected to her walkman.
She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off
her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would
look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he
picked them up and lifted them slightly.
Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked
up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a
recorded voice was saying "Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In,
Breathe Out."
*
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the
yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" 
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are 
you?" 
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I
was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
*
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the 
president.  When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen 
and television cameramen met him.  One of the reporters 
asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a 
series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, 
whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I 
had a very nice flight."
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the 
Washington Monument while you're in the area?"
The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, 
buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to 
visit the White House and the Capitol Building."
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked 
the next reporter.  The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, 
buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio."
*
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day 
and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina.  A month 
later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor 
asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, 
but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
*
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted 
to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer 
him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in
the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a 
gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
*
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when 
suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. 
He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to 
free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror 
he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of 
these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to 
see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get 
my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just 
seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's 
horn blared.
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free 
and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got 
up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks 
anyway God, I got it myself."
*
The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. 
Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver 
frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down.  "I'll have 
your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as 
he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, 
and you meet some of the nastiest people."
*
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit 
his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled 
him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific 
struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when 
he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.
He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a 
concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And 
somebody was standing in front of the 'S'!"
*
One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her
mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said...
"Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
*
A drunk looks up from his drink and says, "Bartender, I have 
to go.  Which way is the bathroom?"
The bartender points out the direction, and as the man 
staggers off, he says, "While you're there, go for me too."
The drunk returns, sits down, then says, "Damn ! I forgot 
something."
Then, minutes later, returns again and says, "Hey bartender, 
you didn't have to go."
*
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and 
a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a 
challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
*
It was one of those cloudy, hot days in Texas.  The poor little
commuter plane was being bounced around all over the sky. 
The pilot came on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, 
we are encountering some pretty bad turbulence, but don't worry.
Should anything go wrong, you'll know immediately. Our co-pilot
will become hysterical."
*
A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping 
mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting 
ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts 
and a spaghetti string top.
An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband
over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the 
mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they 
were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.
He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to 
say about that, too!"
"Yes dear," she said, "you did . . . you asked me for my 
phone number!"
*
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander to the man
lying on the sidewalk outside the beauty parlor.
The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised
chin.  "Last thing I remember was my wife came out of the 
beauty salon.  I took a look at her and said, 'Well, honey, at
least you tried,' and then it was lights out . . . "
*
A playboy falls in love with a showgirl and lavishes everything 
on her. He buys her expensive clothes, jewelry and even a 
new car. Then one day, he proposes.
The showgirl answers, "Me marry you? No way! The way you 
throw your money around???"
*
The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. 
On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he 
picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left 
a note on our dining-room table with my new number and
this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234."
When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. 
"Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my note?"
"Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who 
wrote it."
*
One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university 
his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are 
moving today.  If you come to this house this afternoon it will 
be empty."
Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated 
that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we 
were moving to?"
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you 
see a moving  van here today, little girl?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Would you know which way it went?"
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
*
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special
case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said...
"All right. Get in."!
*
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, whats the problem?"
The mother says, "Its my daughter Darla, she keeps getting
these cravings, shes putting on weight and is sick most
mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the
mother and says, "Well,I dont know how to tell you this but
your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She cant be, she has never ever
been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! Ive never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. 
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there
something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, its just that the last
time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east
and three wise men came over the hill.  Ill be darned if Im
going to miss it this time!"
*
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank 
manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who 
I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be 
tried as soon as we catch him."
*
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind
some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said "Give me all your money!"
Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm
the President!"  The man then replied,...
"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"
*
"Father Reilly," the Mother Superior reported, "I just thought
you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent."
"Oh good," the priest replied, "I was really getting tired of the
Chablis."
*
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra 
and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She 
entered an upscale department store and approached the 
saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" 
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the 
store and proceeded to another department store where she is 
rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another 
department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. 
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. 
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw 
open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" 
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried 
Clearasil?"
*
A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet.
The local kid:
"My mom was born in California!
Where was your mom born?"
The other kid answers, "Alaska".
The first one replies:
"Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!"
*
Why is 6 scared of 7 ?
Because 7 ate nine!
*
A Horse walks into a bar: 
"Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?"
*
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and
grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman 
said that he was lost in the park ... and couldn't find his way 
home.
"Oy Morris," said grandma, " You've been going to that park 
for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't 
hear.  Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't.  I was just too tired 
to walk home."
*
New Yorkers are a breed apart. A man was mugged but had 
no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt, he offered to write the guy a 
check.
The mugger said dumbfounded, "A check? Why would I take a
check from you? I don't even know you!"
*
A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the 
check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over 
and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect.
The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was 
indeed correct.
"Are you trying to make a fool out of me ?" he huffed.
"Oh sir.  Not in the least. I never interfere with nature."
*
"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new 
job?"
"It's the worst job I ever had."
"How long have you been there?"
"About three months."
"Why don't you quit?"
"No way.  This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked 
forward to going home."
*
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.  For some reason 
the mother was unusually quiet.  Finally the husband asked 
what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again.  "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know?  Well, I'll tell you.  I have cooked 
and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's 
Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said.  "Not once in 15 years have I gotten 
a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
*
Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in
England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a
sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first:
"I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and
I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The Spanish was next:
"I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the
evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the French:
"I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green...green...", I pink up
the phone and I say "Yellow ?..."
*
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several 
night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant 
fresh from Jump School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a 
conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university 
education."
*
Judi's car wasn't the most reliable in the world and she 
called Amanpreet whenever it broke down and she needed 
a ride.  One day Preet got such a call.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out.  Can you come and get me?"
"Sure.  Where are you?"
"I'm in the drugstore?"
"Where's the car at?"
"In here with me."
*
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals,
recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic
because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's 
only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all night.
*
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's
an accident.
Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be
tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."
"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"
"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the
beer vat and drowned!"
"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he
couldn't swim a lick!"
"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a
lie. He got out three times ta pee!"
*
Two groups charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to
Atlantic City.  One group is all brunette and the other is
all blonde.
Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the 
brunettes hang out on the bottom level.
The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and
having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't 
hear anything from the blondes upstairs.  She decides to go 
and check on them.
When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes
frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat 
in front of them.
"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here?  We're having a GREAT
time downstairs!"
One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, 
"Yeah, but you guys have a driver!"
*
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about 
being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he 
asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the
preacher.
"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.
*
An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.
Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would
seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and
tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He
played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours
trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he
threw the parrot into the freezer.
"There," he said. "Maybe he'll cool off in there."
For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that
freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. 
A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, "If you
would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory
vocabulary."
Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the
chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot
spoke.
"If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?"
*
Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. 
Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Giant 
Food Store.
Dad:  "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??"
Son:  "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have 
fresh orange juice."
A few minutes later, in a different aisle
Dad:  "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?"
Son:  "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have 
fresh milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle
Dad:  "Und give a look here!!  Baby Powder !! Vat a country, 
vat a country!"
*
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side
of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse
named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So
he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger."
Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."
Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said,
"Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he
called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only
one pulling he wouldn't even try."
*
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the 
obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be.  "He and my husband don't 
get along."
*
My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my 
mother.  A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough 
time finding just the right fit. When my mother picked out a 
yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with 
her.  A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit.
My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty---just like 
a big yellow school bus."
*
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because
she was prejudiced.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I
knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."
*
A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the
bar of the Railway Hotel.
"Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid " ah'm looking to buy me a ranch-
stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm
looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is
BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week
to ride around it on a horse?"
"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse
like that we'd turn it into glue."
*
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case
involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't
true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is
sentenced to 30 days."
*
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the 
politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the 
dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. 
"You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the girl replied. "I do a little blackmail on 
the side!"
*
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a 
psychiatrist.
She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed 
and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near 
me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my 
ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie 
face down on that couch."
*
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other
doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then
they'll see that I was right."
*
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back
on and began searching for more valuables.  Just as he pulled the stereo
out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came
to rest on a parrot.  "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. 
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name
a parrot Moses?" 
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that
would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!
*
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first.  "He's going to 
start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon 
as he gets back."
"Not Tex," said the second.  "He'll always be just a good ol' 
boy.  When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third.  "He's 
so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both.  Here he comes 
now!"
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, 
"Audi, partners!"
*
Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation.  The cowboy 
preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or 
English saddle. 
Judi asked what the difference was.
"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."
"Just get the one without the horn.  I don't think we'll run into 
too much traffic out here."
*
A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race.
They were supposed to swim the English Channel.
A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish
line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They
waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked
her what had taken her so long.
The blonde was very upset as she screamed, "This was supposed to be a
breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!"
*
The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly
flushed, had been the life of the party.
"John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic,
and how handsome you are?"
"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone
ever did"
"Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea?!!!"
*
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation 
in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress 
codes and etiquette. 
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man 
casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. 
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little 
casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."
*
The preacher came by the other day. He told me At your
age, and after all that you have seen in your life, 
it would be refreshing to think a bit more about the afterlife".
I told him: "After all that I've seen in my life, the only refreshing
thing I believe in at my age is an after-eight"
*
Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their
common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?
The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the
woodwork."
The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing
them 100 miles away. But they beat me back to the church!"
The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and baptized and
confirmed each one...
I haven't seen them since!"
*
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon 
a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a 
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he 
went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood 
stray.  We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of 
us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever 
one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I 
was your age, I never told a lie."
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the 
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to 
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh.  "All right," he said, 
"give him the dog." 
*
Two cannibals meet one day...
The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender
Missionary.
I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them,
I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The reply, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of
the river.
They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're
sort of bald
on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, Ha!" the second cannibal replies, "No wonder--those are fryers!"
*
A zebra dies goes to heaven.
When checking in, he tells St. Peter, "Say, I have always wanted to know
if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes."
St. Peter, "I can't answer that question...
but see God walking around over there? Ask him."
Zebra to God, "God, am I white with black stripes or black with white
stripes?"
God looks at the zebra sagely and states, "You are what you are."
Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.
What did He say," asks S.P.
"Oh,," replies the zebra. "He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still
don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes."
"Oh, that's easy," says S.P. "You are white with black stripes."
"How do you know?" asks the zebra. "Well," says S.P.,
"if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'"
*
A doctor says to his patient: I have bad news and worse news.
Oh dear, whats the bad news? asks the patient.
The doctor replies: You have only 24 hours to live.
Thats terrible, said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?
The doctor replies: Ive been trying to contact you since yesterday.
*
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied: I dont know, it all happened so fast.
*
"Dad, will you help me with my homework?"
"I'm sorry," replied the father.  "It wouldn't be right."
"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."
*
Once upon at time there were three Moles.
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. 
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said,
"Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said,
"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't
because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses!"
*
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin 
phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.
A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. 
They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but 
not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope 
concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be 
mankind and womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They 
said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and 
womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.
The pope said, "Sure."
The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti 
homeni, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."
*
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you
going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black
and white coloring.  Eats shoots and leaves."
*
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry 
when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could 
tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered 
down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.  An hour later, he 
went to the door, and I let him out. 
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the 
hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for  several
weeks.  Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:  "Every
afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his 
collar:  "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to 
catch up on his sleep."
*
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put 
his boots on.  He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and pushing the boots just didn't want 
to go on.  By the time she'd got the second boot on, she'd
worked up a sweat.
That's when the little boy said, "Mrs. Smith, they're on the
wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were. 
It wasn't any easier getting them back off and re-put upon the
correct feet.  That's when the little boy said, "These aren't
my boots."
She bit her tongue and managed to keep her cool as together
they worked 'em back off.  He said, "They're my brother's.
My mom made me wear them."
Mrs. Smith didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  But she 
mustered up the courage one more time to wrestle those
boots on his feet again.  "Now," she said, "where are your
mittens?"
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."
*
A Pastor was called to a local nursing home to perform a
wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The 
pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked 
several questions. "Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "Nope."
"Is she a good Christian woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.
"Cause she can drive at night," the old man said.
*
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street.  "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"...
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels
in jail until the chief gets back. So DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD!"
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...
"HEY - I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the
officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
*
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. . .
"He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
*
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty
thousand cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with thirty thousand 
cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease
says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition 
I found it."
*
Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make 
sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the 
definition.  Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she 
asked her father what it meant.  He explained that being frugal 
meant you saved something.
Her paper read: "Frugal: to save."
Sentence:  "Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking 
in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. 
She yelled 'Frugal me, Frugal me!'"
*
Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and he spied a 
matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. 
He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she 
answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my 
quarter while I go swimming?"
*
We were all celebrating our friend's 80th birthday when the
mail arrived.  In the mail was a summons for my friend to 
appear for jury duty.
My friend called the court clerk.  "I received a jury duty 
summons, but I have an age exemption."
The clerk said, "Ma'am, you need to fill out an exemption form
to be granted the exemption."
"I did that last year."
"Ma'am, you have to do it every year."
"Why?  I'm not going to get any younger."
*
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said -
"she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education!"
*
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not 
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, 
and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband 
sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family.
*
"If your wife doesn't feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed 
her recovery -- offer to help with the housework. 
If you don't think there's such a thing as a miracle recovery,
you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to 
vacuum the windows.
*
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command 
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when 
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any 
friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied,  "Yes, I'm a friendly
bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his
microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for 
fooling around on an radio link.  When he had finished, there 
was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are 
you?"
*
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said,
eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the
gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties.."
*
As the Father laid on the couch watching cable TV, his son, 
all dressed for Church entered the room.  "Dad ?" he said, "I 
have a question."
"What's that boy ?" replied the Father, never even removing
his eyes from the screen.
"When am I going to be old enough not to go to Church 
either?"
*
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country
preacher talked
at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was,
and what a loving
husband and kind father he was. 
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children -
"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa."
*
Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter
protested -
"Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that
coat?"
Her mother glared back at her and said...
"Don't you dare talk about your father that way!"
*
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the 
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he 
was right about that too." 
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of 
that?" 
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
*
I have two sons, ages 8 and 4, and they were discussing 
Adam and Eve.
The 8-year-old asked, "How did Adam and Eve die?"
And the 4-year-old said, "They ate bad fruit."
*
An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began
passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new
diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced...
"It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"
*
The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while
her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.
"Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed.
"Not likely," replied the blonde groom - "my mother told me that this
would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of
it!"
*
After a truly harrowing divorce, the husband took some time 
off, wandering the western states on his motorcycle. 
One night, sitting by himself in the ranching town's only bar, 
he stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."
Hearing this, the bartender cautioned him: "Mister, you gotta 
watch that kind of language around here. You're in horse 
country."
*
A bar patron ordered a Manhattan. When served there was a
piece of parsley floating in the glass.
"What in the world is this?" asked the man.
The bartender replied, "Central Park."
*
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday 
afternoon down by the river. 
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to 
the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk 
and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls 
him right back up.  "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher 
asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, 
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found 
Jesus?"
"Noooo, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are 
you sure this is where he fell in?"
*
A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the
"Atlantic Monthly":
At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat.
Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move
the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat
back again.
Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.
By then, the cold is probably cured.
*
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but 
didn't quite make it. 
She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the 
father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born 
on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived:
"Greens Fee:  $200."
*
I was at the store the other day when the manager nabbed a
shoplifter in the act.  He was escorting the suspect to the 
office when the shoplifter broke away and tried to run.
After a scuffle, the manager pinned the guy against the wall.
He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring
at him.
"It's ok, folks, everything's fine," he reassured them.  "This 
guy just tried going through the express line with more than
nine items."
*
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why
she was there,
she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
Mrs. Smith,
but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control
pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep
better at night!"
*
A couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. 
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the 
minister asked their young son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure 
about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as 
well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
*
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a 
lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and 
showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins 
with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
*
Jon was talking to Amanpreet. 
"So, Preet, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep," Preet shook his head.  "Whenever I mention sex, they
object."
*
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client 
commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. 
Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old 
and your eye sight probably is bad.  Just how far can you see 
at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
*
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of 
children came up. The bride said she wanted three children,
while the young husband said two would be enough for him. 
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the 
husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly,
"After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I
hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
*
A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars
worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
*
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at 
the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I 
thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your 
really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at 
all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did 
that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 
"Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who
was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got 
out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He 
was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body
and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring 
out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop 
bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this 
happen?"
"About two minutes ago," came the reply.
*
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C.
After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer
books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then
asked how much it was.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and
a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how
much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in
front of the door.
*
There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes,
so she decided to dye her hair black.
So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and
drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this
intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with
his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass.
While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd -
"If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?"
He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok.
The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed "487".
The shepherd said "WOW! That's right...well...take any sheep you like...a
deal's a deal"
So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car,
when the shepherd says "WAIT!
Now I have a deal for you....
if I guess the REAL color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
*
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said,
"If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."
The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me
and I'll give you two lolly pops!"
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of
lollypops!"
Finally, the girl turned and said -
"Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest.
maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it
on to the swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"
*
Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, 
Ind., are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years.
A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a 
basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," 
etc.
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. 
Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always
lost by one point?"
*
A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, 
adjusted the microphone just so.  He said, "Ladies and 
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."
And he sat back down.
*
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who
led with gentleness,  faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.  As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted
him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your
fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion
meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment."
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries
which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.
Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations
between God and the prophets of old?
I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of
memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. 
The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's
relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. 
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a
parchment, repeating over and over -
There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
*
Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor 
party ever.  There were hookers and strippers, tons of food,
and best of all, some great porno flicks.
Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get 
everyone's attention.
"I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I'm so glad I could
be here with you on the happiest day of your life."
"But, Pop," Bob said, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
Bob's dad interrupted and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could 
be here with you on the happiest day of your life."
*
A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he
is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property. 
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door,
but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers. 
He looks down, sees a snail there.
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, -
"GEEZ BUDDY - WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"
*
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a
box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a
lot of laundry to do.
"No laundry" the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you
wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog
died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
The boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh, what was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
*
An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a 
forest.
The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."
"I can't help it," the ugly man said.
"No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you 
could do is stay at home."
*
In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon 
with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous
haired model. 
She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and 
settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune 
and got to work on her thin, graying hair.
Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she 
recognized the melody. 
It was the theme from "Mission Impossible."
*
The parson had been disturbed by a person who was a fast
reader.  "We shall now read the Twenty-Third Psalm -- in *unison*."
He paused.
"Will the lady who is always 'by the still waters' while the rest 
of us are 'in the green pastures', please wait a minute until we
catch up?"
*
When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to 
move.  As part of the preparations, she went to see her
doctor and get all her charts. 
The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him
the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder 
and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things 
to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, 
"Anyone who's 99."
*
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS 
agent about his tax return.  He had reported a net profit of 
$80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. 
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place 
is only closed three days a year.  And you want to know how I 
made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.  "It's 
these deductions.  You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and 
your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling.  "I forgot to tell you -- we 
also deliver."
*
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City
Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning 
to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, 
and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did
she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
 "No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" 
asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna 
poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police
officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to 
laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and  said, "What's so funny? 
Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"
*
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one 
thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a 
way of saving money. 
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who 
suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
*
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened
upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil
witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry,
move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes,
bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on "Frog Legs",
she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so!"
*
Two older women, Judi and Monika, who were rivals in a
social circle met at a party.
"My dear," said Monika,  "Are those real pearls?"
"They are," replied Judi.
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite
them," smiled Lady Monika.
Judi responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."
*
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of
his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what 
happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing.  It's just an old football injury that 
acts up once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played football."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the 
Superbowl.  I put my foot through the television."
*
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of 
the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and 
left for dead. 
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students 
would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you 
saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, 
what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd
throw up."
*
Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the
same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.
They rode on the elevator together at the end of an
unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely
done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior
was fresh as a daisy.
"I don't understand," he marvelled, "how you can listen to
complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like
this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"
The older analyst replied, "Who listens?"
*
"Uh Oh!" said an ardent young man reading a letter.
His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?"
"Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man. "It's from 
someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill
me."
"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife."
"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous."
*
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard 
over the radio at an airport control tower:
Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."
Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding 
at 3000 over that pad!"
There was a brief moment of silence.
First voice again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!"
*
Two stockbrokers went to lunch. One looked at the other and
said, "Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other 
than the market or any kind of business at all."
"Good idea, Sam. Let's talk about women."
"OK -- common or preferred?"
*
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife
was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.  Finally, about 
3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she 
stood at the top of the stairs, there was her  husband, drunk 
as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
'Do you realize what time it is," she said.  He answered,
"Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for 
the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the 
stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for 
the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
*
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby 
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the 
desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
A few minutes later, the young camel asks, "Mom, why have 
I got these long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the 
trips through the desert."
"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks 
across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long 
periods."
"So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long 
eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes and these humps 
to store water."
"Yes, dear."
"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
*
There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. 
he sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the 
congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy 
looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, 
"Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, 
I'm glad he's done too!!!"
*
With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far
drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the 
bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"
"It's a woman." replied Conrad. "What else?"
"Tell me about it," coaxed Dick.
"It's your wife."
"My wife? What about her?"
"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
*
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond 
as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with 
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of 
the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out 
until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you 
ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to 
feed my alligators."
*
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining 
the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had 
any experience 
The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most 
famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me 
everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to 
make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a 
pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
The man said, "I was looking for my father."
*
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not
too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted
Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
*
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist: 
"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest 
you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the 
tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes" the mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
"Who cares?" she replied.
*
The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had 
been cheating on him.
He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"
She replies, "Second fiddle? You are lucky you are still in 
the band!"
*
Little Johnny, burst into the house, crying his eyes out. He was blathering
so bad, his mother could barely make out the gibberish he was bluting out.
His Mama told him to slow down and asked him what the problem was.
"Well, Dad and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. 
It was REALLY HUGE.
Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away!" said
Johnny.
Well, Johnny," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying
about an stupid accident like that. You should have laughed about it."
"That's what I did, Mama.. that's what I did!"
*
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, 
each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do 
you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how 
Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
*
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident.
Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya
this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."
"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"
"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat
and drowned!"
"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick,
ya know he couldn't swim a lick!"
"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it'd be a lie...
He got out three times ta pee!"
*
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a 
backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine 
invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional 
shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good 
thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.  "It 
makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
*
Little Jimmy comes home from school at the end of a term 
with his report card. The report card has all D's and F's.
His parents start lecturing him, and Jimmy explains that 
everyone in his class did poorly not just him.
"But what about David down the street," they said, "he 
brought home all A's and B's"
"Well David is different." He retorted
"How so?" His father asked.
"'Cuz his parents are smart!"
*
The man, trying to start up a conversation with another man 
said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the first man 
said, "No,  not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
*
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire 
ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why 
did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came
back with another one."
*
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
Doug suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell 
her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring
us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."
*
(True story)
Winston Churchill was visiting the States. 
The first evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken entree
and said, "May I have some breast?"
The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded,
"Mr.Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat."
"My apologies, Madam, I was not aware of your customs."
The following day, a "thank you" gift was delivered
to the party's hostess of a large orchid.  The following was written on the note: 
"I would be obliged if you would pin this on your white meat -- W. Churchill"
*
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a
poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give
him $500 for the horse.  The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, 
it don't look so good," and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the
horse. The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and
said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich
man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then
galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's 
house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"
*
Mrs. Shapiro, the Matchmaker, goes to see Mr. Cohen, a 
confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr. Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you 
need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be 
married in no time!"  says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, 
who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot 
fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."
*
"John," the bishop said to the local priest,
"I don't want to say you've had no successes. 
You told us to put a little more beat in to the
music and that got some young folks back to church.  I 
supported you, you know this, when you wanted a rock & 
roll gospel choir."
"So," John asked, "What's the problem?"
"Well, it's that 'drive-thru' confessional idea you came up,with."
"What's wrong with it?"
"I think what drove the Monsignor over the edge was the
neon sign that said, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell!'"
*
The other night, my wife and I were going out. She sat there 
and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, 
mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and 
said, "Does this look natural?"
*
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms,
how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of
questions:
I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't
you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down,
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said -
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put
to sleep!"
*
"Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat 
and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a 
group of young people.
"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don't smoke, I 
don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose 
women!!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow,
YAHOO, I'm going to celebrate my *95th* birthday!!!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
*
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told 
his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back,
and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on 
the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good 
news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
*
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went into town.
He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
So he grabs his rod, the pail of worms and his sister and heads off.
He returns home with baby sis in tow and storms into the house.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his
mother said.
"No Ma, The boy said, It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"
*
A man makes a suggestion to his wife, "Honey, what do you
say that tonight we change positions?"
His wife responds with, "yes, I would really like that. Tonight, 
you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch and 
watch TV."
*
One  beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his 
congregation:  "My good  people,  I have here in my hands 
three sermons...a $100  sermon that lasts five minutes, a 
$50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that 
lasts a full hour. 
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
*
One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of
friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the
corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be OK. 
Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital.
His friend rode with him.
Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the
emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be.
After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out.
He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news and I
have bad news.
The good news is that your friend is going to live...
The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his life".
*
The workplace of tomorrow will have two employees:
a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog.
The dog is there to keep the man from touching the 
computers.
*
Once some burglars raided a bank.  One of them, 
pointing the gun to the cashier, said: 
"Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say 'HISTORY.'"
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."
*
Arriving at his residence the professor told his housekeeper,
"Sarah, I've invited three of my students to dinner tonight at
6:30, but I think I'll give them a half-hour's grace."
"Professor, I'm as religious as the next person." Sarah said
shaking her head, "But I think you're over-doing it."
*
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. 
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
*
It was Palm Sunday and Sue's five year old son had to stay home from 
church, with a neighbor, because of strep throat.
When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what
they were for.
His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head
as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed,
"The one Sunday I don't go, Jesus shows up!"
*
Two little girls in were sitting in the lunchroom of the "Beverly Hills"
Elementary School.
"Guess what?" one said.
" My Mommy's getting married again and I'll have a new Daddy."
"Really?" said the other girl. "Who is she marrying?"
"Winston Thorton the 3rd, the famous Director!"
The second girl smiled. "Oh, you'll like him...
He was my Daddy last year!"
*
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of his scheduled
delivery.
This trip was to a well-know cheapskate in town.
After handing over the pizza, the consumer asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," said the boy, "this is my first time here, but the other drivers
say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted the cheapo.
"Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars!"
"Thanks," replied the kid, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked the new victim.
The boy smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
*
"All right, you bastards, fall in - on the double!" barked the 
sergeant as he strode into the barracks. 
Each soldier grabbed his hat and jumped to his feet, expect
one - a private who lay in his bunk reading a book.
"Well?" roared the sergeant.
"Well," observed the private, "there certainly were a lot of 
them, weren't there?"
*
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally 
decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited 
for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel 
better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes 
then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled 
look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and 
said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very
common among losers."
*
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. 
He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to
the door and way the priest. 
He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for 
God is here!"
*
A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his 
complaints rather loudly.
"Yes, Sir?"
"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get
the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are
no window blinds so I can't sleep."
"Captain, shut up and land the plane."
*
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he 
sees a bottle laying in the sand.  He picks it up and starts to 
brush it off, and out pops a genie. 
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I 
will grant you three wishes." 
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a 
might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF!  There is a pint of stout in his hand.  He drinks it
down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, 
"I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." 
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up 
with stout.  The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it
will always fill back up after you finish it."  The genie then 
asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be 
taking two more of these."
*
A woman walked into a bar with her pet goose.
Then the bartender comes up to her and says,
''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''
 The woman replied, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose you idiot!''
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me lady, I was talking to the goose!''
*
What happened to you?" asked a hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man
sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a
ride on the roller coaster.
As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by
the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.
I was so curious that I decided to go round again.  As we reached the top,
I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
*
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole
when his neighbor peered over the fence. 
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
*
A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of
whose profession was the oldest.
"I think my line of work would win this one hands down," the surgeon said.
"After all, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery
to me."
"Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order was created out of
chaos. That was architectural accomplishment."
"Sure," the politician said....
"But before that, someone had to create the chaos!"
*
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit 
down and try to talk to his wife.  But as soon as he would 
start to say something, his wife said, "And what's that
supposed to mean?"
Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
*
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli 
frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section
of town. 
They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese 
waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them 
if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. 
The Jewish men are  dumbfounded. "My God, where did he 
learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay 
the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also 
fluent in Yiddish,  "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous
Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will hear 
and says, "Shhhh.  He thinks we're teaching  him English."
*
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," 
so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they 
were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a 
conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right
over there."
*
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at 
his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly.  "She's hired a new 
secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that.  Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."
*
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to 
deal with his transgression.  In the confessional, he told the
priest that he  had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." 
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more serious."
"Father, there's more.  In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car
garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke.  "That is a little more
serious.  I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the
blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
*
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel
and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural 
history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who 
died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." 
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. 
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. 
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
*
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, 
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the
sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to
find all my possessions stolen.  I call the police for help,
and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!"
*
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered 
the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the 
table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended 
nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The 
guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing 
extraordinary was happening.
There was a moment of silence at the table, during which 
one child was heard to say, "You see, it *IS* vanishing cream!"
*
"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" 
the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't," the husband replied.  "I distinctly remember
taking my shirt off."
*
Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center.
"Well," one said, "Margaret has just cremated her third husband."
"Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. "Some of us 
can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"
*
A guy goes to the doctor.
The Doc tells him, "I have some very bad news for you.
I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Well... if I were you, I'd join one of those fancy spas and start
taking daily mud baths", replies the Doc.
"Mud baths? Will that cure me Doc?"
"No, not really... but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"
*
In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the
town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife
answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife
asked.
"Both!" was the reply.  "We can't get our dog's mouth open,
and there's a burglar in it."
*
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gavel on his table and shouted,
"Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded,
"Thank you, your Honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."
*
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the 
ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 
15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential 
mates among their peers. 
However, software types have a well-earned reputation for 
being, well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of
working in the software industry, one woman commented to
another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
*
The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced 
that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier
climate.
After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor 
with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to
miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, 
Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place
might be even better than me".
"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, 
"That's what they said the last time too . . .
*
A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom,
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the
package and it said,
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"-
*
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the
door. A salesman wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man
started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot,
fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes
and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax...
Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
*
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that
are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field.  He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous
look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
*
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all 
part of our team now.  You can earn good money here, and 
you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.  So please
don't trouble any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.
However, one of our janitors has disappeared.  Do any of 
you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to 
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the 
cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been 
eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers 
and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
*
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood,
so for public safety, he was committed. He's put into a room with another guy.
The resident Dr. goes in to see his new patient.
The Doc asks the first guy why he has been sent to the hospital.
The guys replies, "Doc, I don't know... I'm perfectly sane!"
The Doc then asks the new crazy the same thing and immediately he begins
his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The first guy looks at him and yells, "I did not!"
*
A policeman spotted a woman driving  and knitting at the 
same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
*
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.  After she cut 
off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.  Her
friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always 
did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut
off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother 
replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom 
always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young 
woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end 
of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into 
my baking pan."
*
A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her
all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like
your new phone?" She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell!" "But there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
*
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered
severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing,
and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained
that he had been jogging in place inside.
*
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood,
so for public safety, he was committed. He's put into a room with another guy.
The resident Dr. goes in to see his new patient.
The Doc asks the first guy why he has been sent to the hospital.
The guys replies, "Doc, I don't know... I'm perfectly sane!"
The Doc then asks the new crazy the same thing and immediately he begins
his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The first guy looks at him and yells, "I did not!"
*
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children
brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what
it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is -
it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," little johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little johnny replied, "A puppy!"
*
"Mount Sinai Hospital?  Hello, Darling. I'd like to talk with
the person who gives the information about the patients. But I
don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like
expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to 
bottom, from A to Z."
The voice on the other line said "Would you hold the line 
please, that's a very unusual request." 
Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the 
lady who is calling about one of the patients?"
"Yes, darling!  I'd like to know the information about Sarah 
Finkel in Room 302." 
He said "Finkel... Finkel... Let me see.  Farber, Feinberg --
Finkel.  Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.  In fact, she's 
had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving 
as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock." 
The woman said "Thank God!  That's wonderful!  She's going 
home at twelve o'clock!  I'm so happy to hear that! That's 
wonderful news!"
The guy on the other end says:  "From your enthusiasm, I 
take it you must be one of the close family." 
She said "What close family?  I'm Sarah Finkel!!  My doctor 
don't tell me nothing."
 

---
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became 
increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to 
be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly 
whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to
pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his 
wife when he choked, "I . . . I . . .  didn't pinch that girl!"
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
 

---
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested
that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy dear," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around, and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper...
I meant the next baby!"

---
This guy said his son's teacher had told his son that his
homework was unsatisfactory and he was to do it again.  The
kid said to the teacher, "That sucks!!!" 
Upon hearing this reply, the teacher called the kid's mother 
and told him that he was going to have her son do his 
homework over, and, he was giving him some additional work 
because the kid used unacceptable language. 
Whereas the mother replied, "Boy, that sucks, what did he 
say?" 
---
The area had been hit with an epidemic of robberies 
perpetrated by the notorious gentleman burglar.  One night 
Sally woke and shook Jim.  "Jim, there's a burglar in the 
house," she said. 
"There is not," He said sleepily.  "Go back to sleep, stupid." 
Just then a man sprang from inside a closet.  "There is too,"
he declared. "Now apologize to the lady." 

---
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both 
could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising 
along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but 
they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat 
thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we 
just went through a red light,"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection 
and the light was red again and again they went right 
through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was 
almost sure that the light had been red but was really 
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous 
and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the
next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red and they went right through and she turned to the other 
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

---
Assuransieagent: Wil u al u kantoormeubels verseker teen diefstal? 
Bestuurder:  Inderdaad.  Alle meubels, behalwe die 
muurhorlosie.  Dit  kan tog nie ongemerk verdwyn nie, want almal sit 
heeltyd daarna te kyk.

---
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on  the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where  are we?" The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and  said,  "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

---
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.  The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:  "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time.  The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly!"

---
During class, the skydiving instructor would always take the
time to answer any of the stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our shute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open,
how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered -
"The rest of your life."
---

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady
and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the
posters showing the glamorous destinations around the
world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected
couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of
generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am
sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I
won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two
flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as
can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.
"I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.  Who
was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
*
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them,
"If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine
for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. 
"You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor.
You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about
having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code
word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -
"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
*
Hiram lay breathing his last. He rose on one elbow and told 
the bedside gathering his last wishes, then began recounting 
financial matters. "Don't forget Samuel owes me $7,000."
His wife, Miriam, said, "What a mind the man has, clear as a
bell to the very end."
"And I owe my partner Sid $210,000 for..."
At that point, his wife cut in, "Pay no attention to the poor
man's ravings, he's obviously out of his head."
*
A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," said the mother.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead
with his index finger. "Hurts doesn't it!?!"
*
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was
the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll
give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin,
since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses,
but business is business!"
*
A young woman was having a physical examination and was 
very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she 
removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so 
ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel 
ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and
said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
*
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were 
stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you 
think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three 
people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
*
During class, the skydiving instructor would always take the
time to answer any of the stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our shute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open,
how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered -
"The rest of your life."
*
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.  The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:  "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time.  The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly!"
*
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on  the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where  are we?" The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and  said,  "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
*
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both 
could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising 
along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but 
they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we
just went through a red light,"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection
and the light was red again and again they went right 
through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was 
almost sure that the light had been red but was really 
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous 
and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the
next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely 
red and they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
*
The area had been hit with an epidemic of robberies 
perpetrated by the notorious gentleman burglar.  One night 
Sally woke and shook Jim.  "Jim, there's a burglar in the
house," she said. 
"There is not," He said sleepily.  "Go back to sleep, stupid." 
Just then a man sprang from inside a closet.  "There is too," 
he declared. "Now apologize to the lady."
*
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. 
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. 
"Counting your ribs," said Eve. 
*
A guy's on the electric chair.
The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups.
The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"
The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) something to
scare me?"
*
One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where 
no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do
better elsewhere.
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After 
another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad 
temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and 
said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy
named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"
*
A teenager had just received his brand new driver's license.  The 
family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is
going to take them for a ride for the first time.  Dad immediately 
heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver. 
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all 
those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how 
to drive," says the beaming boy to his dad. 
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of 
your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
*
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and 
Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first
pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  "If Jesus
were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake. I can wait.' "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
*
After trying a new shampoo for the first time. A guy fired off an 
enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.  Several weeks 
later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of 
the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the
company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items. 
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling. 
"Next time," he replied.  "I'm writing to General Motors!
*
A man had been drinking at a pub all night.
At closing time he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. 
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd
crawl outside.  There he stood up but fell flat on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. 
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. 
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
He fell again, but luckily right into bed and was
sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 
He was awakened the next morning by his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" 
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. 
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
*
Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the
key, which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why 
don't we get a coat hanger to open it." 
"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in." 
So Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, 
then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?" 
"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."
"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to
rain, and the sun roof is open!"
*
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his 
lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW 
NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother 
and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
*
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a 
group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today,
gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, 
the good. Private Brabant will be setting the pace on our
morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brabant was 
overweight and terribly slow. 
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the 
bad news. Private Brabant will be driving a truck."
*
The language of diplomacy. 

A well known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a
stately country home. When he was asked by a friend 
whether or not he'd had a good time, he said, 
"If the soup had been as warm as the wine, the wine as old as 
the chicken, the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and 
the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have 
been perfect."
*
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone 
operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a
man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up 
nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I 
have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this
time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
*
A guy goes into a pub and goes up to the barmaid and says
"Can I have a laft of hager and a bint of pitter?!"
Responds the barmaid "Don't you mean half a lager and a pint
of bitter" 
"You're right" says the guy, 
"I keep doing that just this morning I went into the kitchen, and I
thought I said: 'Morning darling! Can I have some toast and
coffee!?'"
"And what did you say?" asked the barmaid
"I hate you, you fat cow you ruined my life!"
*
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. 
Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes
another one!"

The Garda watched Mulligan desperately trying to open his front door 
as he swayed from side to side.
"Here, Mulligan," he said, "can I help you with that key?"
"Nosh at all, Guard. I can manage the key if you -hic- could hold the 
house steady." 
*
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years 
on a deserted island. Then one morning he was 
thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel 
pulling out toward him. 
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge
handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, 
"The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still
want to be rescued."
*
"Uh Oh!" said an ardent young man reading a letter.
His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?"
"Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man. "It's from 
someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill me."
"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife."
"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous."
*
A foursome of very senior golfers hit the course with 
waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer,"
said one of the foursome. 
"And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
another of the old men complained. 
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too,"
said the third senior. 
After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest
of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, 
"Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"
*
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.  He 
handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. 
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back
in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached 
a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This
student got back his test and $64 change.
*
Judi and Gayle were having a rare heart to heart talk.  "What
do you consider your worst vice," Judi asked.
"I don't like to admit it," Gayle said, "but my worst vice is
vanity.  Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my
face."
"I wouldn't worry about it," said Judi.  "That's not vanity.  That's
imagination."
*
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an
embarrassed woman said after a church service,
"when my husband walked out during your sermon." 
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. 
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. 
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep
ever since he was a child."
*
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at 
home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the 
mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all
around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger
mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a
broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the 
back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various
items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that 
something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, 
reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He 
looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when 
you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" 
"Yes, was his reply." 
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
*
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director 
to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local 
cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher 
started early but quickly got himself lost, making several 
wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, 
and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the
workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
*
"Uh Oh!" said an ardent young man reading a letter.
His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?"
"Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man. "It's from
someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill me."
"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife."
"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous."
*
A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his
parish wearing the tiniest of bikinis. A Nun walked over and 
said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that!"
The Priest replied, "Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be on 
a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet."
*
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon,
when  the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.
The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk
and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
 The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me
almost fifty years ago." 
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years?
Boy, you sure do have a good memory." 
"Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."
*
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total
loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood . . . but what about 
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
*
A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every 
night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous
monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack 
me."
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this 
problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between
twenty and thirty thousand dollars."
"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting
rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make 
friends with them."
*
During Marine Corps basic training, one private was being 
hassled by his drill instructor. 
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered recruit, 
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Corps, you'll just be
waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." 
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the 
Marines, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
*
A man went to the doctors. 
"Doctor, Doctor, I've got a problem" said the man.
"Yes, what is it?" asked the Doctor. 
"Every morning after I get up, I have a compulsion to sing Green
Green Grass of home Twice and sing Delilah twice every night
before I go to bed" said the man.
"You've got Tom Jones syndrome" said the Doctor. 
"Tom Jones syndrome?" said the man
"How common is that?" he asked.
The doctor replied "It's not unusual".

*
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, 
"Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
"Oh, no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"
*
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle 
sites.  "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the 
Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees.  Over 
there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks.  Down
about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a
thousand Union soldiers."
A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"
"Yes ma'am.  But not while I'm driving this bus."

*
A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every 
night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous 
monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack
me."
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this 
problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between
twenty and thirty thousand dollars."
"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting
rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make 
friends with them."

*

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,
multi-coloured hair that's green, purple and orange. 
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelery
and his earings are big, bright feathers. 
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old
man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man,
"What are you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do
anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I
was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in
Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you
were my son.''
*

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint
Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea 
the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk 
instantly appear.  Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane 
mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" 
he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks 
for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly 
stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim 
to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint 
Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso 
both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein
and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

*
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends 
when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great
relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications 
major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He 
communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

*

A little boy was afraid of the dark.  One night his mother told 
him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't
want to go out there.  It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.  "You don't have 
to be afraid of the dark," she explained.  "Jesus is out there.
He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are 
you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure.  He is everywhere, and he is always ready to 
help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went 
to the back door and cracked it a little.  Peering out into the
darkness, he called, "Jesus?  If you're out there, would you 
please hand me the broom?"

*

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this 
creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail
to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense 
committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.  With his lawyer's assistance he 
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

*

Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do
you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.
"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. 
Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper 
costume for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson.  "A lot of
good it does you to go to church."

*

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.  He
stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and 
then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory 
to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me
where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

*

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they 
intended to raise cattle.  Friends came to visit and asked if 
the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the 
Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-
W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it
the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." 
"But where are all your cattle?" 
"So far, none have survived the branding."

*

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna
hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something.
The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I'm a
6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. "What's more, the
guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 lb and he's a blond
weight lifter," he continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5"
and pushing 300 lb and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously,
Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy goes: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times."

*

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother 
after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His
grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday
morning. It had been snowing all night and
everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist 
painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him 
"What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week 
that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

*

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a 
result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother
after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the
kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, 
giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.
Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and
gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use,
Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

*

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal
had been photographed from four different angles.
The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across
the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an
arrest was made.
The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the
ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town:
"PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE
RESISTING ARREST."

*

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers
and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.
They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the
tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"
One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"
"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."

*

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, 
will you sleep with me tonight?" 
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't 
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." 
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The big sissy."

*

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a
car pulls over next to him. 
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a 
piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man
driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces 
of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. 
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. 
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all 
the candy you can eat." 
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he 
says to the driver. "You bought this Lada, Dad. You'll have 
to live with it!"
*

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit 
his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled
him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific 
struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when
he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.
He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a 
concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And 
somebody was standing in front of the 'S'!"

*
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might 
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went 
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind 
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a 
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark 
corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would 
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be 
ready Thursday," he said calmly.

*

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they 
could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. 
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that
they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he 
asked.
"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."

*

Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a 
neighbor's house. The little girl stood on her tiptoes and was 
just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted 
them at the front door.
"Good morning, children," she said. "What can I do for you?"
"We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my 
husband and I'm his wife. Can we come in?"
Thoroughly enchanted by the scene confronting her, the 
elderly lady replied, "By all means, do come in."
Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, 
which they graciously accepted.
When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little
girl remarked, "No thank you. We have to go now. My
husband just wet his pants."

*

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the 
city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for 
help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a 
semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been 
mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked
to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really 
needs help."

*

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. 
For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after 
the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated 
words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation, 
but deliver us some e-mail . . . "

*

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day
that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he
went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". 
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that
someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife
called, she wants her sign back!"

*

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an 
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she 
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.  So 
the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. 
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you 
done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 
years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come 
back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from 
the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

*

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. 
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on 
the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the 
lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where
are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and  said, 
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

*

A college professor asked his class a question. "If
Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000
miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from 
Chicago, how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when
called upon said "Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how 
did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 
22, and he's half nuts . . ."

*

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The 
old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. 
The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!
We had $100 when we broke in!" 

*

An artist asked a gallery owner at Knokke Zoute if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. 
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good 
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.  When 
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."

*

During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a 
prospective juror some questions.
"Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of
the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"
"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.
"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.
"Certainly not in this case."

*

In some US cities crime has odd effects. Take Washington DC 
for example, there, cabs are so expensive, it's cheaper to get 
mugged and wait for the ambulance.

*

One day this bloke was fed up of his life so he decided to
become a monk. He went to his nearest monastry and saw the
head monk and the head monk said it was fine with him but on
one condition he could say only 2 words each 7 years. 
7 years went by and he was called up 
Head Monk: "What do you want to say?"
Monk: "Bad food"
Head monk: "Right you may leave"
Another 7 years went by.
Head Monk: "Well"
Monk: "Cold Room"
Head Monk: "(sighs)you may leave"
Yet another 7 years went by
Head monk: "What this time?"
Monk: "I quit"
Head Monk: "Good, you've done nothing but complained since
the day you got here!"

*

A man walks up to the paypoint in his local supermarket to pay
for his groceries.
As she registers each item, the checkout girl names them
aloud: "Two pork pies..... three apples..... two bars of soap..... a
courgette..... two beetroot...and four cans of beer".
After she finishes, she leans forward, looks him in the eyes and
says: "You're single, aren't you?".
"Yes" he says, amazed "could you tell that from what I bought?".
"No" she replies "it's just that you're so goddam ugly"

*

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that
indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature 
bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind
the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage,
yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything 
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the 
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her 
finger at a particular passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here" and she
read in a loud voice:"'The three wise men came from afar...'"

*

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. 
He asked his mom, "Where did we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

*

An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a forest.
The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."
"I can't help it," the ugly man said.
"No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you could
do is stay at home."

*

There was a man walking alone along a beach.  He comes 
across a bottle with a cork in it.  The man picks up the bottle 
and pulls out the cork.  A loud roar follows and a genie
appears.  The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today
and I can only give you two wishes."
The man says "That's OK, two is enough."  "First, I would
like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the
number to your account."
Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to 
women."
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

*

A man who had been battling a mental disorder for years 
finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was 
thought he might be released. 
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution,
decided, however, to interview him first. 
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering 
doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life 
and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake.
"I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of
my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am 
released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I 
trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is 
something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a 
new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for
books on science for the general public. Or I might even write
a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can 
always continue to be a teakettle."

*

A Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of 
senior citizens and telling them about the country they were 
visiting. When he asked if they had any questions, one
person inquired, "What is the number one sport in this 
country?"
"Bullfighting," the guide replied.
The same person asked "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," replied the tour guide. "That's number two!"

*

One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near 
the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as 
usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to 
his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and 
laid near his wife.  The lights were off and he snuggled up 
behind her.  She didn't even turn around.
"What a terrible weather today honey," he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"

*

A man went to the doctors. 
"Doctor, Doctor, I,ve got a problem" said the man. 
"Yes, what is it?" asked the Doctor.
"Every morning after I get up, I have a compulsion to sing Green
Green Grass of home Twice and sing Delilah twice every night
 before I go to bed" said the man. 
"You've got Tom Jones syndrome" said the Doctor.
"Tom Jones syndrome?" said the man 
"How common is that?" he asked.
The doctor replied "It's not unusual".

*

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to
break up with her boyfriend.  She seemed awfully concerned
that he not be angry.
"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.
"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break 
his neck," she answered.

*

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An 
electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating 
that the electric company would like to run a power line 
through his pasture.
The Amish man said, "No, you can not."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field,
the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the 
pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish 
man hollered, "Show him your paper!"

*

Ira and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy
children.  They moved to America from Europe and were 
having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in.
Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords
objected to such a large family.
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Ira asked
Esther to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery,
while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning, they found a 
place that was just right.
The landlord asked the usual question:  "How many children 
do you have?"
Ira answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their 
dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!

*

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor 
peered over the fence.  Interested in what the cheeky-faced 
youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to 
there, Tim?" 
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, 
"and I've just buried him." 
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?" 
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your stupid cat."

*

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York
to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet
midway across the Atlantic. 
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe
that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is
a recording."

*

I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress
of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and
said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it.  Then
she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato 
causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

*

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

*

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho,"
so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they
were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a 
conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right 
over there."

*

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel
and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural 
history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who
died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. 
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. 
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

*

Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota.
It was  near the end of winter and spring was just beginning.
Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the 
general store to pick him up some tobacco.
She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their
tab.  So Lena walked across, got the tobacco and walked back. 
Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money.
He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't sure 
how tick de ice vas..."

*

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and 
upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and 
asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted 
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together and sent them back with a note saying:
"Regret cannot  remember which one is you -- please keep your 
photo and return the others.

*

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at
work, I had taken this temp to lunch in gratitude for an 
outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for
my return.  The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, 
"Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you.  I'm your 
husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned,
"OH?  Really?  WERE you???"

*

The obituary editor of a newspaper was not one to admit his
mistakes easily.  One day he got a phone call from an irate
subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been 
printed in the obituary column.
"Really?" replied the editor calmly. "And where are you 
calling from?"

*

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Redneck Woman: "Fo'."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you 
named your fourth child 'George'?"
Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'.

*

"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" 
the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't," the husband replied.  "I distinctly remember 
taking my shirt off."

*

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague 
and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message
from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. 
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to
send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I 
can't imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring
this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including
matches in the package, did he?"

*

Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them
on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "Yeah!"

*

London, November 15th, 2000
To the citizens of the United States of America:

     Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half
decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA
to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we 
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.
     Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a 
monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other 
territories.  To aid in the transition to a British Crown 
Dependency, please comply with the following acts:
1.  Look up "revoke" in a dictionary
2.  Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save the Queen"
3.  Start referring to "soccer" as football
4.  Declare war on Quebec and France
5.  Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
6.  Learn to play cricket
7.  Enjoy warm flat beer and British cuisine
8.  July 4th is no longer a public holiday
9.  All members of this British Crown Dependency will be 
required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe 
statutory tea breaks
10.  Driving on the left is now compulsory
   Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with 
you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due
(backdated to 1776).  Thank you for your cooperation and...
have a jolly nice day and incidentally, Thanksgiving is
not to be a legal holiday anymore.

*

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little 
boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms
really *really* hard." 
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like 
mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and 
said, "What the hell happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe
everything someone tells him."

*

Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get 
married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over
grits and gravy the other night.
"Bubba," Ma said, "you can't get married yet. Why, you're
the baby of the family."
"But Ma," Bubba protested,
"I had my 38th birthday jest last week."
"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed in. "But your Ma and me 
think you should put off getting married until after you 
graduate from high school."

*

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm
very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" 
asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a 
dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow!"

*

This guy wanted a parrot who talked.  He asked the pet store
manager if there was a bird who was already speaking.  The
manager directed the guy to a bird by the window.  "This bird
has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that
would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.  Next day, the guy
was back in the pet store to complain.  The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual.  Why not 
buy a few of the toys.  That should loosen him up."
The  man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up.  "Still not talking,
huh?" asked the manager.  "Well, perhaps a birdbath would 
do the trick."
But, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to
complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word.
The pet shop owner told him to buy a mirror and trick 
the bird into thinking he had company.
Two days later, the man was back in the store to tell
that the parrot was dead. 
"What  happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?"
asked the pet store owner.
"Yep.  Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter?
Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"

*

An exhausted looking man dragged himself into
the Doctor's office.
"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood.  They
bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging
through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream.  A
few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything.
Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good.  I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor,
shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still
up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one 
it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

*

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the
police.  "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your
car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The 
juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches 
masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the 
driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test 
they're giving now!"

*

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying 
a child."

*

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said.  "Fighting with your 
best friend is a terrible thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me!"  the boy said.  "So I threw one at him."
"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
"What good would that have done?  My aim is much better 
than yours."

*

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of
papers, yelling, "Read all about it.  Fifty people swindled! 
Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked 
the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's 
nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all
about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

*

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees
under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.
Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring
and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about
a block away, but the light's better here."

*

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and 
went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in 
the house. A little later she came out of her house and again 
went to the mail box and again opened it,
then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she 
came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions 
the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

*

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to 
fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. 
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men 
were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a
keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog
that's bringin' it!"

*

The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several 
government bills that had recently been passed, printed a 
scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE
LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS"'.
Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted 
tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally
gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS".

*

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened
to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his
doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to bed.
Tom slept very well, in fact, he woke up before the alarm went
off. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!" 
"That's all fine" said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

*

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. 
"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

*

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked
on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. 
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to
hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,
bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into 
it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the
door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot
in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would 
teach them a lesson, when one of them said:
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

*

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion
over who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara,"
exclaimed the Muslim.  "Suddenly, a fierce sandstorm
appeared out of nowhere.  I truly thought my end had come as 
I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and 
deeper under the sand.  But I didn't lose my faith in Allah.  I 
prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for ten miles all around me, 
the storm stopped and I was able to get back to my village.
The Christian chimed in.  "One day while I was fishing in a
little rowboat in the ocean, a giant storm came from nowhere. 
50 foot waves!  I thought my end had truly come.  I prayed and
prayed to God, and then, for ten miles around me, the storm 
ceased and I was able to row back to shore."
The Jew started.  "I was in the middle of New York City. 
Suddenly, a black bag on the ground appeared out of
nowhere.  I put my hand inside and found that it was full of 
cash.  I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday
and we're not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath.  But I 
didn't lose my faith.  I prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for 
ten miles around me, it was *Tuesday*!"

*

Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right 
lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.
So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to
come up with any viable solution, so they send out some
help-me type faxes.
A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax 
read: "As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you
requested our help," etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all 
how to do it."
The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized
country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before 
and we do not know how to handle it."
The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country 
that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and 
economic resuscitation.
"We have a great deal of experience in such transition 
processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and 
to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be 
done gradually.
"So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big 
steps.  The first year, it should be mandatory only for the 
trucks to ride on the right lane . . ."

*

After the fall of the first humans in Paradise,
Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.
One of the boys asked, "What's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate
us out of house and home."

*

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip,
but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his
hotel if there's any place to get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that
just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the
businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his 
room and orders a pizza.  Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy
shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing 
uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman,
"What the hell did you put on this pizza?"
The deliveryman bows deeply and says,
"We put on the pizza  what you ordered:  'pepper only'."

*

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large 
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here
in the supermarket.  Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife
appears out of nowhere."

*

A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is
upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he 
devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and 
checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant 
and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's 
eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called 
from across the restaurant. 
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. 
His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same 
remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver 
tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. 
The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, 
"Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

*

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the
bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, 
you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.  During 
the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-
in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

*

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. 
The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken 
and fresh fish. 
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says. 
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

*

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a 
soul was in the office except a big dog emptying
wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering
if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.  The dog
looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your 
boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out
I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"

*

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With 
considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a 
dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. 
You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

*

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the 
pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from 
the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?"  asked
the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when
he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and
really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said
the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

*

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana;
the next  morning the resulting floodwaters came up
about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her
neighbor,  Mrs.Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the 
house.  Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then 
float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from
the house, then back in.  Her curiosity got the best of her,
so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap
floating away from the house, then coming back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him 
he was going to cut the grass today come hell or high water!" 

*

At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the 
umpire. No matter what was happening  on the field, she kept
yelling,  "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour.
Another patron said, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."
The woman said, "He`s my husband and he came home last 
night with lipstick on his collar. Kill the umpire!!"

*

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both 
could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising 
along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but
they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat 
thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we 
just went through a red light,"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection 
and the light was red again and again they went right
through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was 
almost sure that the light had been red but was really 
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous 
and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the
next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely 
red and they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through 
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

*

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told 
her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he
doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway.  Between the two of
us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

*

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out 
the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was,
and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about 
the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some 
embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was 
taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"

*

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
 "Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"
                   "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out
                   that they're going to die."*

*

A man planned the perfect robbery. Months of preparation were
done and he successfully broke into the Louvre in Paris to steal
                   some classic works of art.
    As he tried to make his getaway, his Ford Transit van broke down,
                   allowing police to capture him with ease.
 When asked how he could mastermind such a perfect crime and
then make such a silly mistake with the getaway transport,
                   he replied
                  "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

*

One Stone Deserves Another

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street 
when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store 
window. "wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick 
through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather 
jacket in another shop window. "what I'd give to own that!"
she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another 
brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"For crissakes!  C'mon, darlin'," the skinhead moaned. "Do 
you think I'm made of bricks?!"
 

'Tit' for Tat

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who 
shared an office with several other doctors.  The waiting room
was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist desk.  The receptionist was
a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.  He gave
her his name.  In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist
said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO 
SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head
around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX
CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME
DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
 

F* U

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to 
appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly 
restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be 
heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood 
before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for 
the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query 
roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two
more words."
 

Always Prepared

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not 
too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days. 
Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom,
are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"
Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of
food when you called."
Cheap Labour

When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a
hard time grasping the concept of marriage.
But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual 
images would help, and explained the entire service to her. 
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she 
replied, "Oh.  I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for 
us, daddy?"

In The Doggie Bar

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog
 are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking
 female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can
 say liver and cheese in a sentence can be my friend."
 So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
 The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
 The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
 She says, "That's not creative."
 Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

*

The Children Of Israel

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher,
finished the day's lesson.  It was now time for the usual 
question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't 
figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the 
Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children
of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz 
always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt.  "So what's your
question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all
the grown-ups doin?"

*

Thorough Mechanic

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been
accidentally locked in it.  We went to the service department 
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's 
side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the 
door handle and discovered it was open.  "Hey," I announced to 
the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man.  "I already got that side."

*

Watergate Bugs

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug."  He looks behind the
drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!"  Under the
rug was a disc with four screws.  He gets his Swiss army 
knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the
window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds
"How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was
your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these 
questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you 
complained of the chandelier falling on them."

*

Computer Dating

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and 
registered his qualifications. 

He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company,
favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

*

Survival Is On The Cards

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in 
the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring 
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several
hands went up, and many important things were suggested 
such as food, matches, etc. 

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes
Timmy, what are the three most important things you would
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. 

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck
of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right 
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master 
impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is 
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on 
top of that black ten!"

*

Clergymen Never Tell A Lie!

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon 
a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a 
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he 
went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood 
stray.  We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of
us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever 
one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I
was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to 
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh.  "All right," he said, 
"give him the dog."

*

First-Aid Training Always Comes In Handy

"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress
as she walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street
and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the 
middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was 
broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood 
everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my 
training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from 
fainting!"

*

Things Are Not Always Black And White!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it 
simple.

The child  thought about this for a moment, then said, "So 
why's the groom wearing black?"

*