Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. 
Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his 
club, and hits the ball onto the green.

Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water 
trap, where the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the 
lake, across the water, and its his ball out onto the green.

Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for 
the water, also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish
jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an 
eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots 
out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.

Jesus turns around and says, "Nice shot, Dad, but would you 
quit messing around and play golf?"

*

Atsa Show Biz

An Italian lady's husband needs an operation, and she can't 
afford it. They tell her, "Mrs. Shivelli, we have a television show 
called "Medic." If you let us operate on your husband on t.v., 
you'll get the operation for free, plus we'll pay you."

She says, "But I got-a no clothes to wear on-a the t.v."

So they take her out and they buy her a few new dresses. On 
the big night, she gets made up and gets her hair done. She 
gets interviewed on the show before the operation and after 
the show they come backstage to see her.

One of the doctors says, "Mrs. Shivelli, I'm very sorry, but your 
husband passed away during the operation."

She says, "Atsa show biz."

*

Too Much Of A Coincidence

A friend of ours was playing in a tournament in Florida last
                fall. For eighteen holes, his caddy had been cackling and
                snickering after every shot that he took.

                Fed up with the not-so-subtle criticism, he finally threw his
                putter at the caddy and snapped, "You must be the
                worst caddy in the world."

                The caddy grinned,
"That, sir, would be too great of a coincidence." 

*

God's Teachings Are A Pain

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything,
 including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent 
 when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
 
 Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he
 were ill, and said,
 
 "Johnny what is the matter?" 
 
 Little Johnny responded, 
 
 "I have a pain in my side.  I think I'm going to have a wife."

*

Time To Get Up

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith 
went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early 
the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's 
bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning 
and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:

"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

*

What's For Supper ?

A man goes to his doctor and says 'I don't think my wife's hearing is
  as good as it used to be, what should I do?' 

  The doctor replies: 'Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife
 is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask
  her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking
the question until she hears you.'

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands
fifteen feet behind her and says 'What's for dinner, honey?' 
No reponse. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no
                    response. 

     Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says,
'honey, what's for supper?'

  She says, 'for the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!' 
 

*

One Way Or Another It's Curtains For Her

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, 
the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired 
of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, 
within their budget. However, after the first week, she began 
complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no 
curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every 
time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see 
you, they'll buy curtains."

Gentleman Burglar

The area had been hit with an epidemic of robberies 
perpetrated by the notorious gentleman burglar.  One night 
Sally woke and shook Jim.  "Jim, there's a burglar in the 
house," she said.

"There is not," He said sleepily.  "Go back to sleep, stupid."

Just then a man sprang from inside a closet.  "There is too," 
he declared. "Now apologize to the lady."

*

Empty Hands No Empty Head

There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law 
firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school.  Both come 
from good families.  Both are equally attractive and well 
spoken.  It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he 
takes ech aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?”  In 
seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.  “I don’t understand why I was 
rejected.  When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a 
lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d 
lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to 
do right by my clients.  What in the world did you tell him?”

“I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Robert replies.

“Your hands?  What do you mean?”

“Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in 
either of them!”

*

Men Always Know What Day It Is

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I 
bet you don't know what day this is." 

"Of course I do,"  he indignantly answered, going out the door to 
the office. 

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the 
door,  she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed 
red roses. 

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite 
chocolates arrived. 

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.  The woman 
couldn't wait for her husband to come home . "First the flowers 
then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.  "I've 
never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"

*

Nice Prospect

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was 
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all 
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's 
Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice, Johnny's,  at the back of the room rang out, 
"And there's the teacher . . . she's dead."

*

As Ready As He Will Ever Be

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had 
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a 
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him 
into his office. 

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that 
you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved 
later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry.

*

Clear Cut

 I was  getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the
 barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. 
 Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

*

Relative Beauty

A friend of mine in the RAF fought in the Falklands war, and 
returned  to the UK in a transport plane, along with some 
female RAF staff. On landing in England, the pilot announced 
over the intercom; "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have now landed 
back in England, and Ladies; this means that you are now ugly 
again."

*

Cool Chickens Not Up To The Job

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to 
 launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military 
 jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. 
 The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
 airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British 
 engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the 
 windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. 
 But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the 
 chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof 
 shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control 
 console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself 
 in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the 
 disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of 
 the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
 NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

*

A No Nonsense Sport 

A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he 
decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary 
asks him how he's doing.  "It's going fine", the manager says, 
"When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me 
my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the 
net! Smash! Go back!". 

"Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic. 

"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!".

*

Knock on Wood

 Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

 One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in 
 my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether 
 I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

 The other says, "Boy am I glad I don't have that problem!  Knock 
 on wood." And she gave the table a quick rap with her knuckles.

 The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the 
 landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way 
 up or on my way down."

 The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; 
 knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told 
 them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

 *

 Child Minding

 When a friend had her third baby in four years, I volunteered to
 keep the older two overnight. One night turned into several, and I 
 was running out of supplies. I askedmMy husband to go over and get 
 some things from my friend's husband. 

 "Did he give you everything?" I asked later. 

 "Yes," my husband said, grinning. "A box of diapers, two sacks of 
 clothing and the children's birth certificates." 

*

Bigger Than Big 

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.  When 
he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these 
seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is 
big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. 
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug 
placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs 
are big!"  The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender 
where the bathroom was located.  The bartender replied, 
"Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the 
bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second
door.  Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the 
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, 
don't flush!"

Spelling It Out

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.  They seat themselves, 
and engage in animated conversation.  The lady sitting behind them
ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is 
galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following: 

"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Two asses, they come together.  I 
come again.  Two asses, they come together again.  I come again 
and pee twice.  Then I come once-a-more." 

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.  In this 
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.  Imma just tellun my friend 
howa to spella Mississippi." 

Brave Lady

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want 
a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a 
terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." 

You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth
has to come out. 

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show
the dentist which tooth it is, dear." 

   Misdirected Doubts

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip
to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife,
Jennifer. 
Unfortunately, he mistyped the address and the e-mail ended up
going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the widow of a recently deceased
minister. 

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When her family finally revived her and asked her what had
happened, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:
"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here." 

BACK TROUBLE

Two guys in a pickup truck were driving home one day, when
they see a dirt road that was big enough for only one vehicle. 
They debated a while whether or not to explore what was down 
there. In the end, they decided to go for it.

After driving down the road for a while, they saw Judi standing 
on the side of the road. She asked for a ride, and they agreed, 
so she hopped in the back of truck.

They continued driving down the road, when all of a sudden a
semi-truck was coming right towards them. They swerved off 
the road and ended up in a river.

The two guys got out in time, but they didn't see Judi.  They 
started to think the worst and feared she died.  A few minutes
later, she suddenly appeared and they incredulously asked her 
what happened. 
She said, "I couldn't get the tailgate open."

* 

CHECK-UP

There's the story of the man at a pay phone in the restaurant making
a call. 

"Hello, Mr. Smith?  I understand you have been looking for an
assistant..."  He paused to listen to the response. 

"Oh, you hired one two months ago and you are pleased with your
choice?  Well, thank you anyway.  I hope you continue to be satisfied
with your decision..." 

When he hung up the phone, the restaurant manager commented, 

"I happened to overhear your conversation.  I'm sorry you didn't get
a shot at that job." 

"Oh, that's all right," the man replied. "That was my boss, I was
hired as his assistant three months ago and I was just phoning to
find out how I'm doing." 

IT'S IN THE FAMILY

This guy said his son's teacher had told his son that his 
homework was unsatisfactory and he was to do it again.  The
kid said to the teacher, "That sucks!!!"

Upon hearing this reply, the teacher called the kid's mother 
and told him that he was going to have her son do his 
homework over, and, he was giving him some additional work 
because the kid used unacceptable language.

Whereas the mother replied, "Boy, that sucks, what did he 
say?"

ALWAYS HARD AT IT

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping, so he sees his doctor
about the problem and says, "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at
night!" 
"Well," suggests his doctor, "Have you tried counting sheep?" 
"That's the problem -- I make a mistake and spend the next six hours
trying to find it!" 

MORE TO IT THAN MEETS THE EYE

Mike, a reporter from Philadelphia, was visiting an old colleague who
now edited a newspaper in a small town in Maine. 
"I don't see how you do it," Mike said.  "How can you drum up
interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody
else is doing?" 
"Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the newspaper to
see who got caught at it." 
 

NOT IN

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness.   "You 
claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after 
breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to 
whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the 
judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the 
question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her 
house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home." 

Bloody Business

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. 
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it. 
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they
persisted until finally he gave in. 
"Okay, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him. 
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full
of trees.  Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him. 
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. 
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. 
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" 

Turn To Stone

Three little boys were walking home from school.  All of a sudden, 
they saw a naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look. 
Then, right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running. The
next day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off
running. 
On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still there. 
But  this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends grab him
by the  arm, and they ask him "What's the matter, don't you like
looking at naked women?" 
And the kid replies, "Yea, but my mommy told me that if I look at a
naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone. And I felt something 
getting hard already." 

True Grief

A lawyer's wife dies.  At the cemetery, people are appalled to 
see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of 
Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears.  His brother says, "You
should cry, pulling a stunt like this!"

Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand!  They 
left out the phone number!"

Even Parrots Have Their Prayers Answered

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing." 
"What do they say," the priest inquired. 
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to
have some fun?' 
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and
I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to
pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to
praise and worship." 
"Thank you!" the woman responded. 

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and
praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the
male parrots and the female parrots say, 
"Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" 
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!" 
 

Notte Deadde

An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down the countryside, 
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted
a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his 
initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ... ze spring 
time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and continued to 
watch, remembering good times. 

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais ... Sacre bleu!! Ze 
woman - she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to 
the town to tell Albert, the police chief. 

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, 
"Albert...Albert zere is zis man zis woman... naked in farmer 
Gaston's field making love". The police chief smiled and said; 
"Come come Henri you are not so old remember ze young love. Ze 
spring time ze air ze flowers Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." 

"Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!" 
Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the 
station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, 
confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call 
the doctor. 

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert I was in Gaston's field zere is a 
young couple naked 'aving sex ".  To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I 
am a man of science. you must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze 
flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural" 

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, "NON, you do not 
understand ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this Pierre shouted, 
"Mon dieu!", grabbed is black medicine bag, stuffed in his 
thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car 
and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Upon getting 
there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to 
Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the police station. 

He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two
Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she 
is not dead - she is  English. 

Golf Pro

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the
golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy,
"I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

Dont Use His Name In Vain

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

S&M

One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the
closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Playing Safe ?

Two women travelers, obviously nervous
 about their flight, bought some flight insurance
at the terminal. 
They couldn't decide who to name as
beneficiaries, however. 
They ended up each naming the other and
happily boarded the plane.

Lucky Few

Two lawyers, Frank and Harry, meet for a drink.  Frank says,
“You know what happened?  An angel was sent down to 
compile a list of the dishonest lawyers on earth.  Six months 
later he dragged himself back to Heaven, exhausted. 
‘Believe me,’ he told God, ‘it’d be easier if I just made note of 
all of the honest lawyers on earth.  In fact, I think I could do 
that in a weekend.’  God said, ‘Fine.’  Come Monday morning, 
the angel turned in his list and God said, ‘That’s terrific.  Now I 
think you should send all the lawyers on this list a note of 
congratulations.’”
Frank pauses and sips his Scotch.  Then he says, “There was 
a postscript to the angel’s note.  You know what it was?”
Harry says, “No.”
“Aha!  So you didn’t get one either!”

*