HUM CHILLI KHA CHUKE SANAM

‘Hum Dil Churakar Dil Mein Jaakar Dil Se Dil De Chuke Sanam’, was the original title of the movie. After much persuasion from the Posters Union of India, Sanjay Bhansali went in for the teeny weeny ‘Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam’. It was like watching a Gujju wedding during Holi. The riot of colours was pure magic. I was even more touched by other insights offered by the movie. Like how, munching ten green chillies in quick succession is a surefire cure for heart burn. Sounds paradoxical, doesn’t it? Well, to know what Hitesh Patel perceived from the goings on, read on...
Our story starts when Salmon, hailing from the land of Mafia, Macaroni and Sonia Gandhi, hits the hot sands of Rajasthan. Apart from a talent for singing, Salmon has an ESP (Extra Sensory Papa); whenever he needs to contemplate on as much as rushing to the loo, he looks heavenwards and consults his dear departed dad. And Papa answers every question with a rumble of thunder.
Salmon is here to learn singing under the privilege of an illustrious classical singer (the kind who composes in his sleep). At Maharaj’s Taj Mahal mansion, Salmon is welcomed by a small family comprising of 17 boys, 17 girls & 71 aunties. Now we know the ‘riyaz’ (practise) singers indulge in.
Salmon falls into a pond, contaminating it with his hair-removing solution. The girls laugh. He’s then spotted sun-bathing in nothing but an Italian pantyhose. The girls laugh... Nandini (Maharaj’s daughter) falls in love with him. Over-fed and explosive he retires to a quiet corner to pass gas. Impressed by this natural musician, Nandini falls in love with him all over again.

One fine noon, Salmon tries to smooch Nandini mafia style... he’s slapped Bhartiya style. In a rush of anger and misery, our man munches on green chillies faster than you can manage your popcorn, all the while cursing Sanjay Bhansali for coming up with this ridiculous idea.

Nandini dances and demonstrates that she maintains the waist of a ramp model. Her feline curves don’t escape the eagle eye of Devgone, a lawyer who’s tall, dark in the extreme, and handsome in the least. To prove his worth, Devgone sings off key. Maharaj is eager to shove four green chillies down that face, but restrains himself.


Nasty Aunty No.1 squeals on Salmon and Nandini. Maharaj vows never to sing if he catches them red-handed. Consequently, he comes upon Salmon searching for Nandini’s contact lenses in the temple complex. Much to everyone’s relief, Maharaj sticks to his word.

Salmon is unceremoniously banished from the household. Nandini slashes her wrist and the parents, to their horror, discover that not only her choli, but even her eyes are the colour of her blood. They hurriedly bandage the wound and marry her off to Devgone.

It’s suhaag raat and Devgone pounces on Nandini as if she were the key witness of his first case. Nandini pushes him aside in disgust. It’s an act of age-old tradition, he protests. Nandini drops her pallu and screams that he may ravage her. We all agree that she should have gone the Sushmita Sen way.

Finally it dawns on Devgone that Nandini has the hots for the Italian returned dude. He reviews the situation. His chances of picking up Italian being poor, he decides to return Nandini to Salmon. But will our ‘sensitive Indian male’ fling away his only chance of seeing Michaelangelo’s David?

Armed with a snap that looks like a cross between a bear and a tadpole, Nandini searches high and low for Salmon. Devgone smiles at David. They are taken for a ride by a couple of Italian mobsters. Vaguely remembering that he was the son of a stuntman in a previous birth, Devgone puts up a valiant fight. But a bullet has been shot. A bullet with solid Indian values, that misses Nandini’s mangalsutra by half an inch. However it does graze through her shoulder.

While his wife recuperates in the hospital, Devgone runs to the church and falls at the feet of Jesus. KAZOOM! Salmon appears in a flash. Discovering that they prefer the same brand of beer, Salmon & Devgone become fast friends for life. A sozzled Salmon teaches Devgone an Indian song. Back home, Devgone hums it quite a few times in his typical off key manner. On hearing it for the 373rd time Nandini recognizes her beau’s favourite tune.

To reach Salmon, they travel penniless by tram. To avoid the TC’s attentions, Nandini suggests that Devgone go for a passionate embrace. As Devgone moves for the TC, Nandini intervenes in the nick of time and saves the reputation of the ‘sensitive Indian male’.

It’s an enlightened Nandini who finally meets Salmon. “You taught me to love”, she says, “but he taught me to kiss in public”. Salmon’s in a bad shape. He’s already gone through this sacrifice routine too many times starting with ‘Saajan’. He mumbles something about munching sugar-coated chillies, in his next birth, and lets her go free.

Nandini springs back to Devgone and thrusts two closed fists at him. The befuddled lawyer wonders whether wifey is confessing to a crime. He slaps one of the wrists and out slips a mangalsutra. Ah! She’s the thief... he had been hunting for it ever since he had lost it at the wedding. With a relief he hugs his ‘truthful’ wife as she whispers in invitation, “Hum kuch bhul chuke sanam”. Eh ... But that’s quite another story.