Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Self mutilation for beginners
Carefully follow these instructions:
- Install phone at other end of apartment, at the other end of your cramped hall way.
- Open bathroom door a bit.
- Wait for girlfriend to call you up. When she does, careen through the house at excessive velocity to pick up the phone before the answering machine fires up.
- Ram left shoulder into opened door with all your force.
- Quickly end phone call before the pain will make you faint
- Stupidly take revenge on bathroom door, hitting it with the back of your right hand.
- Hurt knuckles of two fingers doing so.
- Sit down before the pain really makes you faint and you cause any more damage to yourself and any surrounding cats by falling on the floor.
Comment by GF, later that evening when I told her about what happened and that my cell phone was lying right next to me: ‘Why didn’t you just wait then, I would have called to your cell phone if you didn’t respond.’ This means she would have made me run TWICE through the hall, past the bathroom door. She’s already trying to kill me, and we’re not even married yet.