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Scenario and tips for a successful buffet raid
Introduction.
After
years of building up frustration while patiently lining up to collect food from
buffet tables only to find all the good stuff gone or contaminated by the time
it was my turn and being by-passed by apologizing queue jumpers, the need for
developing an aggressive strategy became a compulsive necessity. After
subsequent years of careful observation of common behaviour of buffet guests,
waitresses and caterers, I was able to develop a detailed standard operating
procedure with the sole aim to deplete buffets of any setting of all delicacies
of excellent quality.
The
first thing to define for yourself is the goodies of your choice. Personally, I
go for unabridged sea food because this is usually fresh by necessity. If not
so, it is simply obnoxious and well, quite frankly stinks and tastes of
ammonia. Excessive lemon garnishing should alert you as this disguises any
warning odours. Ice-bedded Oysters, Lobster, Shrimp and Prawns varieties, Crab,
Salmon, Swordfish, Salmon eggs, caviar, sushi and to a lesser degree
sweet-water fish such as trout filets and eel are on my prime list. Don’t fall for
the grilled Salmon on a decorative display. It usually ends up as a
disturbingly spacious mangle of distorted meat, unwanted decorations and fish
bones on your plate. Crayfish and other sweet-water habitants are to be avoided
because of high food poisoning risk, although this goes for defrosted
sea-shrimp as well. Any of these in a sauce or elaborate preparation of some
sort should be banned from your sacred plate because of flavour cross
contamination.
Once
the primary goals are set, you can refer to the step-by-step practical scenario
below for a successful buffet raid. Okay, this is plain Machiavellian anarchism
but who worries about that when life is so short and other people would do the
very same things if you didn’t? A successful buffet is like fighting a war and
I have become a soldier too. Everybody else present wants the most expensive,
exquisite goodies and a lot of it too. Simply because they can’t afford them
and are often fooled by decorations and presumed quality. Read on and find out
how to get what safely pleases your stomach.
Long term preparation.
Good intelligence
and well prepared logistics are invaluable and crucial for winning any war.
Weddings, inaugurations and religious festivities (other than funerals) are
easy because the organisation takes months and gives you ample time to scout
the likely guests and gather intelligence about the habits, specialities and
brand quality of the caterer. Scouting the future guests can be limited to
register their feeding and drinking habits, favourite food items and personal
buffet plundering strategies. Know thy enemy. The latter is also useful for
future short notice invitations like funerals, surprise parties and accidental
or circumstantial attendances.
An unauthorized
party bashing mission by the same caterer can be extremely useful and the
calculated risk of being thrown out by a champagne-soaked groom (he is a newbie
FUBAR for life and realizes it today) or pissed off bride’s father (he pays for
the buffet) is a fair price for the obtained information. After all, bravely
suffered injuries can be a soothing remembrance at the time of relishing your
success later on.
D-Day preparation.
Obvious
preparations like starving for three days, buying a new baggy suit or glutting
non-indicated medical digestives are contra productive. It can alarm previously
unaware competitors of your intentions, diminish your required trustful and
elegant appearance or leave you sick at home due to an overdose. A good night
sleep and a credible amicable pleasant attitude will do.
D-Day script.
Make
sure you arrive first at the buffet location at all cost, including leaving the
actual event before it is finished or don’t attend it at all. Absolutely avoid
unnecessary delays and risky behaviour at this early stage of your campaign
such as lengthy handshake line ups, long and slowly progressing funeral
processions, actual interment in case of large attendance, “How have you been?
Long time no see!” encounters, discussing driving instructions or offering a
ride, following parking instructions in situ, attract the attention of the
buffet facilitator in charge, getting prematurely sauced, organising or
performing transport of bulky presents, supporting or guiding less mobile
elderly guests, conversations about the loveliness of the bridal dress, past or
future happiness of the bride, cloakroom queues.
What
you should do instead upon arrival at the buffet venue, is immediately blend in
as a legitimate guest by looking around in astonishment at the decorations,
exclaiming praise in the vicinity of relevant attendants. This is crucial with
regard to the layout of the buffet display if performed discretely not to alert
other greedy guests. Memorize a mental map of the desired delicacies and useful
cloaking accessories. Even more important is the presence of guest labels on
the tables. If your name tag is on a table no way near the one of the festive
family members in the first degree you’re in trouble. Replace it immediately
with a reasonable corner seat label from a higher priority table, obviously
without being noticed by the buffet facilitator. Until the other guests arrive,
you can use also your time well by starting obliging conversations with key
players such as a strategically well placed buffet lady. Make sure you
compliment her on the fabulous table display, even if it is obvious she
couldn’t possibly have anything to do with that. A pretty waitress who can
supply you with a glass to hold will also come in handy for later favours.
Establish a bond by asking for a light or a drink she has to fetch for you.
While
waiting for the assault to start you can pass the time establishing your
predominant position at your table. Make use of your pretty waitress’
willingness to supply the table with the cheap table wine. Worthless as it may
be, compliment her on whatever you see fit for later reference. Silently curse
possible competition for not suffering stomach flu today. This is extremely
important to get into the right mood of playing your dirty tricks on the crowd.
Desensitize yourself. Keep total emotional distance. Focus on means justifying
your goals. Observe the other guests to identify weaknesses. Indoctrinate
yourself with the firm believe that most people come here for the goodies, like
smoked salmon and lobster since they want to prey on the things they can't
afford themselves and think they have a field day filling up their plate with
these delicacies. Also, the caterer invariably limits the amount of these things
because of cost at a rate of one slice of smoked salmon a person, not to
mention the absolute lack of more than one lobster for decoration only.
Don’t
hesitate to bring up de-appetizing subjects such as the stuffiness of today’s
previous venues, uncomfortable chairs or temperature, long queues, smoking by
other guests, the tepid wine, anybody looking a bit off, pallid or bloated, the
long agonizing death struggle of the deceased, the presumed consequences of the
stag party, etc.
Staying
alert for serving call should help you to be first at all cost, even if this
insults your host. Ignore all directions from the facilitator about table
sequence or you will find the salmon smeared with chicken wing dip sauce or
chocolate ice cream. Enforce self service when fruitful help from the waitress
is not required, when piling your auxiliary plate with oysters or simply taking
half the available Salmon slices and the precious like when nobody is looking.
Avoid cluttering your plate with useless decorations such as lemon slices,
fancily cut radishes, tomatoes, carrots, flowers and fruits unless these are
meant to camouflage your generous helpings.
Being
served first has the advantage that you can relish your uncontaminated prime
food while the rest of the people still obediently queues and looks at you with
a pitiful, hungry and impatient face. You can eat your price at ease along with
a fresh glass of white wine that is not stale or warm yet. Smirk silently at
the agony of the late comers and enjoy while munching ostentatiously in their
direction. Make sure to elaborate on the quality of your
early helpings, compared to the distasteful leftover mess on your table
fellows’ plates. If successful, this will entice them to return to the buffet
table and further deplete it from all spoiled delicacies and useless items. The
latter will speed up and synchronise the forced replenishment of the buffet
table in preparation of your second helpings raid. To speed up this process and
have a selective second cut of the first serving portions, send out your kids with the instruction to get more goodies
starting at the wrong end of the buffet table to avoid the queue. Nobody will
tell kids to back off especially if you tell them to put on an angelic smile
and gather as much as they can before someone actually notices. Pre-raid
briefing of your kids on this subject may be useful.
Halfway
the first helpings and not unrelated to your efforts, the caterer usually will
notice he is not getting away with serving half of what was ordered. He will
hesitantly agree to bring out the rest of the backup food after being bopped on
the head by an empty smoked salmon tray by a guest who is equally fond of
smoked salmon but not as smart as you are or hasn’t read this review.
This
usually coincides with the crucial moment of finishing your first helping.
Everyone is now eating the slushy crap that was left and you can now go for
your second plates at ease. Time to mention to the caterer: "Ah! There IS
smoked salmon after all!" and immediately take half of it again. Disguise
by adding some chicken wings if they look ok. Recover the decorative lobster
you hid under the table cloth during your first pass and disguise it by
covering it by some lettuce you can accidentally but conveniently drop while
returning to your table. Look accusingly at the people at your table and
exclaim with surprise that the wine bottle is empty. Call a waitress,
preferably the one that has been smiling at you since you insured her loyalty
before, look her deep into the eyes while you request another bottle for your
dear friends at the table. Make sure you fill up the glass of the lady you want
to dance with later on first and thank the waitress for her kindness. Fill up
your glass and ask if anyone wants more as well. Mention all the good food,
except for the desserts, is finished and thereby make sure they are all running
for those right now. This gives you the necessary opportunity and privacy to
exhume your lobster and relish the lengthy process of enjoying every edible
morsel of this priceless loot.
By the time you
read this, it is probably too late, but stay away from the meat. Incapacitating
at best and deadly at the worst, these food items have a tendency to be
infected by an array of bugs that thrive very well on seafood. If you are prone
to gastro-intestinal troubles, the chicken wings will take care of that. You
will simply have no guts left tomorrow. Besides
usually being part of prepared dishes or served with elaborately spiced sauces
the taste doesn’t go well with your delicate sea food collection. The so
commonly called "paté" is just a mixture of
everything that was left over, and quite well done too. Sure, it looks nice
with all the shimmering glazing and even a grape on top to suggest freshness
but beginner’s mistakes may cost you dearly. Don't be fooled by the roasted pig
with an apple in its mouth. Heaven knows how it died but the apple should give
a morbid clue. Imagine a derelict farmer chasing the poor piglet and upon
catching it, stuffing an apple or whatever else is available down its throat.
In a last act of survival before being thrown on a bonfire, or indeed after,
the apple re-appears as currently displayed. The crusty, blackened skin shows a
well done fry? Forget it: Worn out tires will roast anything black. Also avoid the enormous undercooked roasted ham from an
unfortunate disfigured or otherwise culinary useless pig. It will be cut up by
the buffet personnel, or worse by guests, into a disagreeable mess. While
digesting with contentment, observe the people who, after finding out all the
Salmon is gone, turn to meat. You'll be attending their funeral soon and with
any luck that means another buffet.
Written by Solanum.
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