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The Distant
Presence
A random chapter of a book
about two people who meet each other on the internet and in mysterious real
life circumstances. Natasja and I never met for real so the “coordinated
writing” took a fair amount of e-communication skills. Since women’s perception
and feelings about life and the expression of them vary from men’s to a certain
extent, the contributions from Natasja are in italic to offer you the possibility to refine your understanding of
gender differences in response to various events.
Chapter
VI
From that moment of physical contact on, I stopped
believing in some sort of imagination. However, days passed without hearing or
seeing any sign of her. Life took a dull turn, with her haunting me all the
time. I tried all sort of scenarios mimicking the train of events preceding all
the encounters to no avail. I missed her dearly, no doubt about that. The
simple private pleasure I found in going over every episode in detail,
remembering her canny reactions and words, her unpredictable moods, tried to
catch her beautiful but mystifying features on paper. The need to know more
about her was becoming almost obsessive every time I pictured her. I got goose
pimples every time I thought she actually existed somewhere. Unless my wishful
imagination was really playing tricks on me, everything that had happened to
that time pointed to that fact.
Thinking about it became a spark for real time action. I put little I knew
about her together. I knew her first name, she lived in a house with a pool in
the garden and there is a road nearby, she owns a car and I figured her age to
be late thirties. Her small town was in
I
switched on the computer and clicked on people address search, typed in Shanna
and GA,
<Angeltoo>
Hi Jan!
<Solbe> Hi, how are ya?
<Angeltoo> I'm fine and you?
<Solbe> Bored and a bit upset
<Angeltoo> Why?
* Solbe shrugs, feeling lonely I guess
<Angeltoo> Aaaww,
sweetie...
<Solbe> What where you
talking about the other day?
<Angeltoo> What was I
talking about?
<Solbe> You were going on about liking me or sumptin and I got all confused
<Angeltoo> Well, I was confused as well, nm
<Solbe> What did you mean? I know you better than nm'ing me
<Angeltoo> I don't wanna talk about it, Jan
<Solbe> Now I am getting really upset, what's
wrong with you?
<Angeltoo> Ok ok, I sorta wanted to ask you what you would say if I loved you
<Solbe> For real?
<Angeltoo> Yesss
<Angeltoo> What would
you do about it?
<Solbe> O dear, not much I guess. Except...
<Solbe> Why didn't you
tell me before? It’s not a good thing to mix chat with real life, Angel.
*Angeltoo quit irc
<Solbe> Angel?
She left. I rolled my eyes thinking bad
things about women and their wimps, I just couldn’t grasp what on earth was
wrong with her, telling me all this about loving and then just leave when one
needs them the most.
My mind went to Shanna again, considering “moving” there at my own wish, wander
about a bit and find out. I walked to the valley and sat down in a shower of
sleet and rain. It was crazy but I simply had to try something just like that. I
concentrated on the image of her eyes and what I saw beyond them. I closed
mine, shivering and getting numb all over from the cold. After half an hour
nothing had happened. I ran for some dry wood from the wood shelter, soaked it
in petrol and started a fire. No small stuff, I piled up the wood and the
flames soon reached a man's height. They lighted up the whole valley and my
soaked clothes began to steam from the heat. The fire made a roaring sound with
sizzling sounds as the melting snow hit it, sparks
flew up in the air, enough to call out the devil. I tried to concentrate again
and buried my head between my legs and my arms. The smoke hit me once in a
while and I drifted off into a stupor.
I woke up when the fire slowed down and I felt the cold again. I opened my eyes,
looked around me and smiled. I was somewhere else and taking it for granted
that it was her house, I got up to find a bathroom to rub my smoky face and
chuckled at the mirror imagining what she saw from there a couple of days ago.
I dried myself with a towel and placed it carefully back where it was, covering
up my presence just in case.
I tried the door but it was locked, opened a window and jumped in the garden, noting the expected presence of a pool with relief and started my mission. I walked to the road she had mentioned and looked it up and down. It didn’t look very promising at first: Just the presence of asphalt made it that. The rest was just empty grass- and farmland with scattered pine trees hiding few houses. I had to choose a direction and hope to find a street sign and possibly the name of the place. The sun was shining, it was warm, and I was dressed up for a blizzard. Any local, scarce as they may have been, would have found this odd enough to call the police. After a few hundred meters I found what I needed: A sign at a dirt road leading into a wood. Google Earth would take care of the rest.
I rushed back to the house jumped through the window again, carefully closed it. On my way to the infamous couch where I ended up before and hoped to leave from, a car pulled into the driveway and sent me into a panic of being taken for a burglar by whoever was passing by. I didn’t even know how to get back to the valley just like that. I jumped out of the window again and sat down behind the garden shack.
With a sigh of relief, I saw Shanna
stepping out of the car, clumsily balancing shopping bags. Figuring this was my
chance to get back, I didn’t hesitate long, suppressed
the little shame of intrusion and fear of shocking her and knocked on the door.
Naturally, I looked like a mess because she first stared at me in disbelief,
looked me up and down and then burst into a laughing fit.
“What on earth happened to you? You look
like you've slept in the gutter all night.”
“Well, I did in a way, I wanted to see you and
managed to get here from the valley on my own. I did some walking around. I'm
afraid I forgot that I don't know how to get back.”
“And you want me to help, I bet.”
“Hm,
well kinda. Yes.”
She opened the door a bit further and let me in. I follow her to the kitchen.
“You
want some coffee first? You look like you could use some.”
“Some hot tea please if you have.”
She put on the kettle and started unpacking the shopping bags while I sat back
with a complacent, comfortable feeling. I noticed an ashtray, lit up a
cigarette and offered her one. She took it as a matter of fact and held my
hands while I gave her a light. She shook her blond hair back and blew the
smoke to the ceiling, with a look that would change to surprise if I would say
something sensible next. I just thought, there she does it again, that
untouchable and yet inviting attitude and I am dopey. There was little need
left for laborious schemes to find out more about her in real life, so I took
up the challenge.
“Deserted place here, I didn’t see a living soul out there.”
“If you had, you’d be in the back of a
patrol car by now. What did you expect to find, downtown
“You live alone?”
“Yes,
divorced.”
“I see. How come?”
“Didn't work out well.”
She poured the water in a cup and dipped in a tea bag.
“Sugar?”
“Yes but no milk, please. Lemon if you have some.”
“No milk, no coffee. You have got strange
feeding habits. How did you manage to get here, Jan?”
“Maybe I just wanted it enough to make it happen. But I don't really know
how yet. I just put myself into an extreme situation because that seemed to
trigger it usually.”
“Why
did you want to see me? You were always so upset when it happened before.”
“Well, last time was a bit too real for me to ignore it as some annoying imagination. I could actually feel you and that left err... an impression on me. It convinced me that you existed for real. I had to find out.”
“So
now you know and I do as well. Where do you go from here then?”
She could have fooled me but that was not an invitation to mind my own business and live with it. I saw she wasn’t telling me all that showed in her eyes and I knew I wanted more.
“First of all and for now, I want to go back where I belong. Now that I know where you are, perhaps we can try a more normal earthly way of getting to know each other, if that is what you want of course.”
I knew that was a hit when she cast down her eyes and smiled nervously.
“I
wouldn’t mind trying that. I dunno, would you write
me or something?”
I finished my tea and told her that was a
good idea for starters but that I better be getting
back. She nodded hastily and stood up. As we hugged much to me enjoyment, I
waited for the flash and prepared myself to stand in the middle of an autumn
storm, rushing for the warmth of my house. After a couple of seconds a dreadful
feeling settled over me when I realized I was still there. I slowly let go and
looked at her in panic. She seemed to find it amusing and smirked at my
desperate muttering to get out of there.
“Well Jan, you should have thought about
that before you came. Maybe it just takes a bit more time. I need to cook. Just
sit down and try to relax. We'll try again later. If you want stay and have
supper with me, I'd love that.”
“Okay then, might as well. Shall I help you cook or something?”
“Nope, I can manage fine by myself.
Weren’t you into computers and stuff? If you want to do something useful, have
a look at mine to see if it’s all right. Just don't mess it
up.”
I gave her a grin, fooled a bit around until I noticed mIRC
icon on her desktop, logged on while she clattered with pots and plates, joined
my channel with the allocated nickname and smirked at Solbe
being there on idle. I typed in “Hi Jan.” for a laugh when I get back, using
her otherwise non-descriptive nickname. Next, I checked out the local user
identity for future reference and ended up staring in disbelief at the screen
when Shanna walked in and told me supper was ready. I only just managed to hit
the close button and hoped she did not notice what I had seen.
A wonderful salad with all kinds of stuff, toasted bread and a glass of white
wine awaited me on the kitchen table. I looked at her, raised my glass and chin
hers. She smiled at me and I smiled back, thinking that under no circumstances
she must know what I know now and with a sore afterthought on how this was
going to change our existing relationship so thoroughly and forever. Gone was
all the mystery, gone was a pleasant friendship with no ties, a mutual trust
from a safe distance. I had no idea how to get on with Angeltoo
from then on and tried desperately to keep the conversation casual feeling more
and more uncomfortable as I got along.
“Thanks for all this, Shanna.”
“You're welcome, Jan.”
“What am I going to do if I can't get back?”
She choked. “You'll have to stay here, I
guess.”
“Geeze. It's evening here, when am I going to
sleep? I can take the couch if I don't get back in time.”
“No way, it sucks sleeping in that
thing.”
“You got some chair or something? I sleep easy in anything.”
She put down her fork, folded her hands, looked at me and said quietly: “You can sleep in my bed, Jan.”
“But where will you...?”
“Same.”
I just wanted to blurt it all out and set the record straight there and
then. It was getting out of hand and the consequences were already piling up. I
needed some time to think it over first.
“Well, let's first try again to get me home
again. I don't feel that would be appropriate, Shanna.”
I helped her put the plates away and ask her to try again. She shrugged and
nodded. I kissed her lips and hugged her, feeling like a traitor but nothing
happened.
“Doesn't work, I hope your bed is comfortable.”
She poured another glass of wine and lit up a candle. It gave the room a very cozy look. We had another cigarette and just looked at each
other. I was glad there was no need to speak. I knew this women and I knew her
well. Strangely enough she didn’t seem to feel the need either. She went to the
computer room and after a while I heard a song that I knew only too well.
Before I ended up in more embarrassing topics I just drank the rest of my wine
and got away with wanting to sleep. Any further conversation might lead to a
slip of my tongue. She solemnly took my hand and walked me to her bedroom. I
took off my ruffled clothes and slid under the sheets before she walked in,
switched off the light and joined me in bed.
“Jan?”
“Yes?”
“I'm glad you couldn't return.”
I swallowed the desire to tell her what I found out but just took her hand
in mine and mumbled “Me too, good night. I'm tired.”
I felt her breath blowing in my ear as I felt sleep coming. The next morning I
woke up at home, alone in bed again.
I
answered the door to him standing there. He looked such a mess that I couldn’t
help but laugh! He had leaves stuck to his clothes, his hair plastered to his
head like he had been in a rainstorm and he smelled faintly of smoke. I invited
him to come inside and fixed him some hot tea to warm him. We talked for a
while and I could tell he had no idea who I was. He told me he needed to get
back home, so I moved to hug him and realized he was still here. He couldn’t
leave! I smiled, hid my panic and reassured him things may take a little time,
but we would get him home. He seemed to relax so I invited him to stay for
supper and try again later. After a light supper and some wine I sensed he was
anxious to get home. We tried again with a gentle hug and kiss but nothing
happened. I almost fainted when I realized he would be staying the night with
me, here in my bed! With shaking hands I hoped he didn’t notice, I poured us
another glass of wine. I put a song on that he would have recognized. I took
his hand and lead him to bed. I was glad he could not go back and I told him
this as he slowly drifted off to sleep.
Written
by: Natasja Ivanovskaya
& Ivan
Lynnishkin (aka Solbe)
Read chapter I of The Distant Presence
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